Get Up 10

Chapter 32- Rush

Saint Josiah

I pulled up on my cousin in Queens. It was late but she was up. I needed a woman's point of view and she was pregnant. Maybe she could help me understand shit better. I had the idea to go see my mother but it was late and she would get on my ass about my reaction. I've always been honest about shit I did with my mother but I tried my best to hide that I sold drugs. Deep down I know that they know.

" What happened Saint?" Sabre asked me the moment she opened the door.

" Bre I'm not gonna hold you this bitch just blew my whole fucking day." I entered her home.

" Why what happened?"

" I didn't even really say shit to you about it before but I had a baby on the way."

" What?? Nigga with who? Natalie?"

" I wished my family would stop asking me if Natalie is pregnant. I'm not fucking that girl." I ran my hand on my head. I was frustrated to say the least.

" It don't even matter." I added.

" I was in Mexico with the family. I know you saw that shit on the gram." I continued.

" Yeah I did." She sat down on the couch. I leaned on a wall.

" I didn't bring her. I should've made her come with me but I didn't think she would be comfortable because we not together. I knew she wasn't feeling well and I could barely get reception in certain areas but when I could I made sure to call."

" One second she don't feel well, then next second she said she's fine. I come home and I'm trying to get in contact with her and it's like she don't see her fucking phone. She would not respond. Like two days went by she finally say something. Then she randomly pull up on me while Trent at my spot. She bought her friend too and I just thought it was off."

" She start talking but she in a panic mode. She trying to explain that she lost a baby and how she couldn't push and shit so they had to remove it out of her. Is that a thing Bre?"

" Oh wow. I'm really sorry to hear that Siah. And yes it can happen unfortunately." She sighed.

" I'm not mad at her because she lost the baby. I'm mad because I was home for a minute and she didn't think to call me. She told me she was taking pills to keep her sleep throughout the day and that shit pissed me off because what happens when those pills aren't enough? She goes for the hard shit?"

" Wow. This is a lot to process. It sounds like she's depressed Siah you have to be more gentle with your approach you know how you get." She pouted.

" I do know how I get. She don't though. She came in my personal space and I lost it. It was like a reflex but also I knew she was approaching me so I'm not sure if that shit was intentional or not. I can't process how I'm feeling."

" If what was intentional?"

" I hit her in the face but I wasn't facing her. I just wanted her to move away from me and I think my watch connected to her nose and her shit started leaking." I sighed.

" Noooo! Saint what the fuck? Did you apologize?!"

" Nah. I told her to go."

" Why are you mad at her? She's processing the loss of a baby. Everything she's doing or not doing may not make sense to you but when a human is growing in your stomach and you're excited about being a parent, losing a baby can change you. I wouldn't wish that on anyone."

" I just don't know why she didn't call me. I know it's nothing I could do but it was my baby too. I would have comforted her."

" You had to opportunity to but you let your anger get the best of you."

I didn't have a response. She was right.

" You need to apologize to her."

" She come from an abusive household. I don't think she would even want to be in the same room as me. It's not point in trying."

" No effort will go unnoticed. It's better than acting like you don't care."

" I'm not sure I do." I said.

" You came here late at night to talk to me about her and you're usually private. You care Saint and it's okay."

" You should go talk to her tonight."

" I don't think that's going to happen any time soon."

" Do you love her?"

" What?" I was thrown off.

" Do you love the girl?"

" I don't know her."

" You was having a baby with a stranger?"

" Pretty much. She was staying with me for a little while but she was quiet and to herself."

" Saint you loved that girl you wasn't letting nobody you ain't fuck with just stay in your crib."

" It doesn't even matter."

"It does. You gotta admit when you wrong sometimes."

" And don't call her no bitch Saint." She added.

" At the end of the day what's done is done. I can't take nothing but so I'm moving on and worrying about this bread. How you though? I know I just sprung this on you."

" I'm okay."

" Aight Bre I'm gonna get out of your hair. Love you cousin."

" Love you too—and you should reconsider apologizing to her Saint. You're a good guy. Don't forget that version of yourself while you out here doing what you doing."

I nodded and left out to head back home. I kept replaying our time together over and the truth is I loved being in her space. I loved that we woke up in the same crib together but I hated that she wasn't next to me. I love how she ended up being nothing I expected. She's patient and sweet. She still allowed me in even after being hurt. She forgave me for my mistakes and apologized for her own.

I felt like shit putting my hands on her but it was a raw reaction. It was never supposed to be this way.

I hope that in the near future I'm able to apologize to her but in the same breath I'm angry at her lack of communication.

My feelings for her felt bipolar. One second I admire her and then the next I'm angry again.

Some shit just not meant to be and I don't got time to be forcing nothing.

It's money to be made.