Brendon Urie Imagines and Smuts

Just Breathe (Fluff)

I'm not sure if I've already done an imagine based on a panic attack before, I'm pretty sure I haven't. But anyway, here's another one.

*POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING*

Ever since I was little, I've struggled really badly with my anxiety. I'm not even sure how it started but one day I was in class, the teacher asked me a question and that's when it happened. I felt my heart rate speed up, my hands went all clammy and it's like my throat completely closed up. I managed to shakily get out of my seat and run out of the class, into the toilet. I had no idea what was happening, I thought I was dying or something. I was desperate to breathe but I was just hyperventilating, with tears streaming down my face. Luckily, the teacher knew what was happening and came after me, she sat with me on the floor and talked me through some breathing exercises. Slowly, my breathing returned to normal and that's when she told me that I'd had a panic attack. At first, I was so confused. Panic attacks happened to other people, not me, didn't they? But then I had another one and then another one after that. It was then that I finally stopped being in denial and realised I had a problem.

I was so scared to tell my Mom, terrified as to what she'd say, scared that she'd think I was being dramatic. But, she sat me down and explained that she'd had anxiety too and although it was hard work, she'd managed to get it under control. So, we reached out and I was put into therapy. For a while it helped and I was soon discharged, as we could no longer afford it. I'd been equipped with breathing exercises and skills to help me through a panic attack. For weeks, months even, I didn't have a single one and I genuinely believed that I'd overcome it.

But, at graduation, I was at a party and there were so many people there, too many. Everyone was drinking and talking loudly, over the blaring music. I'd gone with two of my friends but I'd lost them amongst the crowd. I searched for them everywhere but there were just too many people. That's when I felt it happening again. My throat went tight and my heart was beating at a thousand miles an hour. I started crying and couldn't breathe properly but somehow I managed to get myself out of the house and into the empty street. I sat by the side of the road, breathing as steadily as I could, telling myself over and over again that I was safe. I called my Mom and she came to get me and that was the last time I went to somewhere with a massive crowd.

Now I'm 27 and my panic attacks are few and far between. I still don't go to heavily crowded places, through fear of history repeating itself. But, I have managed to go into bars and pubs, which is where I met my boyfriend, Brendon. He's been so supportive about everything, as he has anxiety too. I've witnessed him have one panic attack, at a grocery store and it was the most heartbreaking thing. I had to get him to abandon his cart in the middle of the shop and I walked with him back to our car. I think that's why we have such a strong bond, because we can relate to each other on so many levels.

"Hey babe, do you fancy going to the bar tonight? It's 2-4-1 on cocktails" Brendon asks, knowing that any deal on cocktails is enough of a persuasion for me.

"Yeah sure, let me just get ready and then we can go" I say, heading upstairs to sort my face out. I quickly put on some makeup, to make myself feel more human and then change into a nice top and some black jeans.

"Ready?" Brendon asks, as I head back downstairs. I nod, collecting my purse before heading out of the door and into the car. The bar is about a 20 minute drive away, so we jam out to some Weezer on the way, without a care in the world.

As we reach the bar, there's about 10 people scattered around. I head over to our usual table, while Brendon gets the drinks. I nod my head along to the background music and feel surprisingly at ease. We drink our cocktails and chat about general things, getting lost in our conversation. I love when Brendon and I get to do things like this, without too much interruption for photos or autographs.

"Do you want another drink?" Brendon asks and I give him a look as if to say 'did you really have to ask that?' He chuckles and gets up to go to the drink. By this point, more people have entered the bar and there are now very few tables available. Just as Brendon reaches the bar, a large Bachelor Party group enter the bar. They're so noisy, all shouting over each other, desperate to be heard. They sit on the table directly next to me and they announce that they want to do shots. One member of their group heads over to the bar while the others mess around, play fighting with each other. One of them accidentally elbows me in the back, without realising. Then, more of them join and they're massively invading my personal space. 

That's when I feel it happening. My hands start going clammy and I can feel my chest go tight. Tears appear in my eyes and I stand up abruptly, desperate to get out into the fresh air. I try to fight my way through them, but none of them move out of the way. I shout at one of them to move and luckily, he does. I run straight outside, past the bar where Brendon is.

When I'm outside, I lean against a wall and begin hyperventilating. A couple stop, looking concerned, but I wave them away, unable to use proper words.

"Babe, I saw you run out, what's wrong?" Brendon asks, before realising what's happening.

"Okay. you're okay. Let's sit down yeah?" He suggests, gripping my elbow and helping me down to the ground. He rubs circles into my back and starts breathing deeply, wanting me to mimic him. I manage to calm myself down enough to copy him and after a few moments, I can feel my heart rate slowing down.

"I.. I'm so sorry" I say through tears, burying my head in my hands.

"Hey, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, okay? You did the right thing and you're safe now, okay?" Brendon says comfortingly, wrapping me up in his arms. We sit there for a few moments, until I feel steady enough to walk to the car. 

"Thank you so much for tonight, you're honestly the best" I whisper, clutching his hand with mine. He just looks over and flashes that gorgeous smile of his. How did I get so lucky?