Life as I know it

I told him

So I've decided with the help of my 2 good friends and best friend and I told Jake that i think I may love him. He texted back saying i was just saying that and that I didn't really think that. Ive texted him about 6 times since he said that and he hasnt answered.

So I've decided to give up on love. Because if you love deeply, you're just going to get hurt.

And it still hurts. A lot. Like just as much as it did when we first broke up. I've just been listening to sad music in the dark pretty much every night.

Waiting for him is like waiting for rain in the middle of a drought, useless and disappointing.

Its useless to love him after everything. Especially how he won't even text me back after I told him something so important and serious.  Something I've only told 3 other people, the ones who got me to finally tell him.

I should hate him, I know. But he seriously made me feel so different, so special. Like I actually meant something to someone, like I actually was worth it.

Yet when we broke up I promised him I wouldn't do anything stupid like commit suicide. And I swear I'll never even attempt something so stupid, ESPECIALLY over a guy.

But in my mind self harm falls into that category. And after last time, I'm not going to go through all the lectures from all my friends again. Wearing long sleeves to church in 80 degree weather every week until they disappeared. Covering my arm in PE hiding it from the coach and other girls since I couldnt wear a jacket then. Wearing jackets 24/7 to hide it from everyone that I hadn't told including family. Its just not worth it.

So instead of doing anything stupid, I listen to and write music, and sing to express my pain.

Mom just thinks I like the songs. But I really just relate to them. Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer, Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri, Hello Heartache by Avril Lavigne.