Stronger Than Pain

Chapter Fifty Seven

NNEKA

I travelled home to visit my mum, and her sight was nothing to behold. Her condition wasn't impressive neither was it encouraging at all.

Mum had suffered a partial stroke, with the right part of her body completely paralyzed. She couldn't move her right leg neither could she make use of her right hand. She suffers slurred speech too with her lips sagging and drooling spittle towards her right cheek. Staring down at my once active mum as she laid on her old green mat at the veranda made me realize how old she had gotten within few days of suffering this pitiable sickness.

Tears trickled down my cheeks as I bent beside her, holding her badly affected right hand and squeezing it gently. Looking into her eyes, I was certain she had many things she really wanted to say to me, words that have refused to come out, words that have formed lumps deep in her throat.

"It's alright mum" Was all I could mutter as I gently ran my fingers through her hair.

"We've invited a native healer and I'm certain she'll be fine. They say he's the best" Stan said, breaking into the moment as he walks out from the door on my left.

"How good is he?" I asked, not sparing him a glance.

"They said he specializes in curing complete and partial strokes and have many great testimonies to his credit. He was well recommended" He said patting my shoulder.

My eyes were still fixed on my mum, with my heart saying silent prayers filled with wishes that she survives this.

"You'll be fine Mum" I muttered again,watching as a single tear betrays her strength rolling down her cheeks. I wipe it away silently with my palm, laid her hand on the mat, stood up and strutted towards Stan.
****

The decision to leave mum back home and come down to Portharcourt was a mental struggle as my conscience wouldn't let me free. I felt it was my sole responsibility to stay back and nurse my mum even though we've made arrangements for a live-in nanny who would be paid to nurse her while the native healer administers herbal treatments on her. I wished every second that I'd brought her home with me but I knew it wouldn't be an easy job. How would I combine nursing her with my business and my paid job, unless I intend becoming worse than she currently is. And to cap it all,  Mma's wedding is coming up in full swing, and as her event planner, I'm putting in everything I've got. However Stan, my sister and I always visited home intermittently for the next month just to ensure our mum still felt familiar presence around her.

Sadly, just when Mma's wedding was around the corner, my mum died.

I became a shadow of myself. I had expected my mum to live long and at least watch me live life to the fullest and achieve all my dreams despite leaving my husband, something I still believe she never thought was possible.

I believe mum had a cardiac arrest because of me, because of her constant thoughts about my failed marriage. She has never stopped thinking about me and Emeka, and has never stopped hoping and praying that we would come back together. But as the years passed by without any form of reconciliation in view, it was as if her faith and hope were dying away.

I feel very responsible for my mum's death and can't seem to ever forgive myself.

Everyone have been supportive, trying to convince me otherwise. My siblings aren't left out,  always assuring me that I took a decision to save my life amidst all the talks and rumours. They've tried encouraging me to let go off the guilt eating deep inside me.

Exactly three weeks after her demise, my mum was laid to rest based on the church doctrine, and I've internally mourned her from the moment of her death to this very day.