YUNGBLUD ~ A Wild Ride 🖤💕

62 ~ The Feeling Of Safety

July 11th, 2019

"Feeling better?" Dom finally speaks up, in his sleepy voice. He's been running his hand through my hair for the last half an hour whilst I calmed down.

"A bit." I breathe out as I nod against Dom's chest. "Good". He replies softly. I look up towards him, as our eyes meet I feel a smile start to appear on my face.

Dom smiles too as he starts to laugh, "What you smiling 'bout love?" He asks me. I slightly cover my face with my hand. "You." I whisper. "Sorry I couldn't hear you." Dom teases as he pulls my hand away, even though I know he heard me. "You Dominic Harrison." I say louder this time as I move to kiss him, he kisses back before pulling away after a minute or two.

"I just feel so safe with you Dom, I've not felt even remotely safe since my Dad died, I've never felt this safe in my whole life. After Zach I didn't think I'd be able to trust again, or love anyone especially when I couldn't even love myself. But you've seen me at some of my lowest points, you've helped me through it all without second thought and you're still here. But the way you helped me just then meant so much to me Dom. More than you'll ever understand.".

"Babe, it really wasn't that much." Dom tried to tell me. "I know it wasn't much but it meant so much to me. I was so scared to wake you up."

"You shouldn't have been, you remember what I told you yeah? Wake me up no matter what y/n, I'm awake most nights anyway".

"It's stupid." I say trying to avoid the conversation. "No it's not, whatever it is, it's not stupid. Please tell me."

"Zach. He's just constantly fucking with my head. There was one time a few months ago and I was having the worst panic attack I've ever had, it was so bad and I was so scared that I had to wake him up. But instead of helping me like you did, he shouted at me, telling me to get over it and shit like that.".

Dom holds me a little tighter to bring me some comfort. "And because of how he acted, it made the panic attack worse, which made him even worse." Dom rubs my back whilst I keep talking to him.

"I've had anxiety as long as I can remember, it got really bad after my dad but I'd only ever had a couple of attacks before then but that one was so bad."

"It's scary isn't it?" Dom speaks gently to me. I nod in response. "Baby it happens to me too okay? A lot. I think that's why I don't like to sleep all that much. I'm always so scared of waking up to a panic attack, I find them ones so much harder to deal with." I smile slightly as I realise we both need each other, that he feels the same as I do.

"I just remember not being able to breathe, I was sobbing so much, my chest hurt and I was shaking so bad. I thought I was dying. It made me physically sick and I tried to run to the bathroom to throw up but my legs were so weak I couldn't even walk. I just kept stumbling and Zack just fucking sat there. Didn't even help me when I fell, or let me lean on him. Nothing. He just shouted at me to be quiet."

He kisses me lightly on the forehead. "I ended up getting to the bathroom and I just kept throwing up. Zach didn't even come to check on me, hold my hair, rub my back. Nothing. I was just sat there alone and I was so scared Dom."

"I'm here now bubs, there's nothing to worry about." he speaks quietly and calmly. "I ended up just collapsing down in front of the toilet just screaming and crying. It hurt so much and because I threw up so much I made my throat so raw. I just remember curling up on the floor holding my stomach. I wanted to die there and then.

I just sat there until the next morning when his mum found me on the floor. I couldn't even move, I was frozen. She took me back to Zach's room and I couldn't look at him. I just wanted to run away but he tried to apologise to me until his mum left. Then he shouted at me, pushed me into the wall, bruised me, tried to drill into my brain that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't fulfilling his needs, I was too sensitive, over exaggerating, needed to get over myself and that it wasn't a big deal.

I just wanted to crawl into bed and die there. I didn't want to do anything, but it was a Monday morning and he made me go to school. I could hardly walk and I cried the whole day, the bruises started to appear, my eyes were puffy and red, I had no makeup on and there were bags under my eyes because I didn't sleep. I couldn't focus on anything, I just kept zoning out, someone would brush past me and I'd tense up and flinch away. I went home and completely isolated myself, I just couldn't be around anyone so I didn't. Which is where my mental health dipped really bad and I - it doesn't matter, I don't want to get into it right now."

"Remember y/n, I'm not like Zach. I will always help you, I know you might feel stupid sometimes, especially when you don't know why you're feeling the way you are. But trust me. I'll do my best. I know you don't want to tell me just yet, and that's fine. Just please don't let this eat you up, there's nothing worse than doing that to yourself."

"I know that I can trust you, and when I feel ready, I promise I'll tell you everything. It's just hard for me, but I feel so safe and comfortable around you Dom."

"I promise I'll never let that happen to you. You're never gonna be alone again, I promise you that. I've got an idea, hear me out. When the shows are on obviously me, Adam, Tom and Michael won't be able to be with you. But there's Ben and Gav and Jess, Will, Tanisha, Ella's gonna be there too. So you'll never be left alone, and they're all really good at helping with panic attacks, after all they do have to deal with me on a daily basis." He laughs gently.

"When we're not performing, I'd say that me or Adam would be the best if you feel one coming on because we both suffer with them too. But all of them have helped me or Adam through one at one point or another. It's comforting for me to know that I can rely on all of them if I need to. It's up to you but we could speak to them all about it and about what they should and shouldn't do. You know, what helps you, what to avoid, triggers, things like that so that you'll be as comfortable as possible."

"I'd love that." I tell him. "They're all great and you'll get on with them so well. I'm so excited for it". Dom carries on.

"I just can't wait to have a distraction from it all." I admit. "You're gonna love it, trust me."

We stay holding each other. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for him, I owe him so much. I just want to get lost in those crystal green eyes, the eyes that give me so much comfort.