I'm Not Crazy Yet (editing)

Please read!

I know this isnt a chapter but I think my story needs to be heard so it can attempt and or begin to help others.
This mentions selfharm, mentalhealth and abuse. However very lightly touches on these and mostly good feels. I hope you read it. X
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    Okay some of you may know this and some may not, but I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was 15. This is basically where my emotions are really uncontrollable and I go from a manic 'I can fly' state to a deep depression many times throughout the day and due to this, I have been on medication for this since I was diagnosed. However, I have been going to therapy since I was 8/9 years old because I grew up being bullied (physically and verbally) and with abusive surroundings at home (verbally and mentally).
I am now 19 so basically 10 years of therapy at the end of January I was placed in a psychiatric ward (yes Im still here) because I have never felt worse and I just nose dived off the deep end of a paddling pool.
I started self-harming when I was 12 (although I still do self harm I advice to find other ways to cope because its not healthy and an addiction just as dangerous as any other) at the time I hated my body and scars because thats what I was trained to do everybody told me that I shouldnt show that much skin, shouldnt show my scars shouldnt have my hair like that or wear bow ties said I either looked too much like a boy or just stupid but one day I was out with my mates when I saw this woman and honestly, there was nothing significant about her, she wasn't model-worthy beautiful or horrendously ugly she was just a normal woman in shorts and tee shirt. But what got my attention and i think everybody else's was how her body was covered in scars but she walked down the high street smiling and laughing with her friends with no care about the ugly scars on her body. Now I don't know why this woman helped me or even how. I didnt speak to her just briefly saw her; but I just stopped caring about what everybody else thought of me (this took time. But my mentality was there and soon came the action. NOTHING HAPPENS INSTANTLY WHICH IS SHIT!) . I showed my scars I did whatever the fuck I wanted because the only person who I should want to care is me. (Listen to me sounding all adult xD)

Now, I'm not saying I don't hate myself because hands down I have a mountain's worth of insecurities of things I hate about myself but not because of what other people might think but of what I think because I have high standards in everything in my life, my schooling, appearance, friends. (I hate myself and my life but I struggle on daily because Im a gutless idiot who goes 'You put so much fucking effort into this and youre gonna give up?! Screw that bitch now carry on!' )
I have and always will have a high standard for what I want in school/ grades because I want to go to university because its something i always wanted (If you dont want to then dont go. If you do then fucking go and do everything in your power to do so because its good to want to) so I don't give a crap what happens I always put my studying first as I know it will get me something better not just for me but for my brother who I want to look after even if he is more capable than me.
Appearance to me isn't for anyone else its just for me because I want to dress how I feel on the inside and if that means being an emo I go emo if that means I look like a Barbie doll I do that, wearing a tutu with odd knee-high socks and a random top with a baggy jumper? Fuck yeah, I will because that's how I want to dress and I don't care. (Never be ashamed of the way you dress, if you want to wear makeup then do it. If you want to wear dresses do it. Wearing trackies? You go! Cosplay? You go you funky weirdo, see ya at comic con my fellow weirdos! It doesnt matter if you are male female or anything inbetween dress to impress yourself. Because you look hot when you feel like a hottie 😉)
Friends, for lack of a better term are our chosen family. You don't want people in your life that don't love 100% of you, that means warts, scars, fears, insecurities etc. Because if they don't love those things about you then they aren't worth being your friend they aren't worth being apart of your family. So what if that means you only end up with 1-4 friends it means those people will be with you through thick and thin and punch a bitch in the face if he/she/they are bringing you down. These people will love you and you will love them. You'll call each other out when you're being a dick and if that shirt is making you look like an idiot that goes on holidays and poses for pics for Instagram just so y'all can flex on how shit you are at handling money. Those are friends.
(TIP: To see fake friends from real one? Drop off the face of the earth and the only people who notice your absence are friends. The rest are too involved with everything else they cant see you drowning.)

Okay so I may have gotten off-topic so let me get it back. What I wanted to say was that sometimes you need to stop caring about everything and everybody else. For me to have this happen by some random ass woman I never spoke to and have never seen again opened a world of freedom to me because she didn't care that every bad thing of hers was showing and just did it because only she cared and everybody else was a dickhead of a bystander.
So now I show my scars with pride because I've been through hell and back and I'm still standing, so what if I'm battered bruised and always on that precipice of falling? I get up because I want too its just going to hurt like a bitch while I do it.

Now I know most of you will never read this but if you do and you actually read all of it then please for the love of blankets and cookies think about it, it doesn't matter if you are scared of coming out, embarrassed about your body or imperfections, your style, your hobbies you home life. Yes, it's scary just shoving yourself into the light but goddamn is it satisfying being in control because that what you are, you are in control of everything about you and yourself.

Lots of Love Ez xxx