run over - ruel vandijk

• my fault •

the day drags on. we go to the venue and set up everything for thursday night. we practice some of the songs with the band and check that everything's cool.

y/n seemed kinda off today. like something was on her mind. she kept to herself the whole day and she didn't want to help set up. i asked her what's wrong and she said it's nothing. but that's a lie i've heard from her about a million times.

i wish she was honest with me. she still hasn't really told me much about when she got taken. but obviously, she's still scarred from it. i wish one day she'll be ready to tell me. i'll wait. i'll always wait for her. she can take as long as she needs.

we're eating dinner at the hotel, just us, dad and coco went to go sight seeing. they asked us if we wanted to come but y/n said she didn't so i said i didn't.

we're eating some fresh, hot, chinese noodles and we're watching adventure time on the little tv above the lounge.

"so y/n..." i say trying to make conversation.

"so ruel..." she replies with a mouth full of noodles, she doesn't take her eyes off the tv.

"are you sure you're okay?" i start.

"yes." she's still looking at the tv.

"no you're not."

"yes i am."

"no you're-"

"ruel!" she turns and looks me dead in the eyes, forces a smile. "i'm fine."

she turns back and looks at the tv again but she tilts her head slightly so i can't see her face.

i grab the remote and mute the tv. she puts a hand out, still looking away, and tries to grasp the remote.

"ruel can i please have it." she whispers, but i can hear the pain in her voice when she says that. i move my head to see her face...she's crying.

"y/n!" i run and hug her, she pulls away and wipes her tears.

"i'm fine. it's...it's...the show's really sad."

"hon, jake's having the time of his life making bacon pancakes, it's not sad."

"...well it is...i want pancakes and it's-"

"y/n!"

"okay okay. fine. um...the noodles are just really spicy."

i roll my eyes and put a hand on her shoulder, "y/n, you love spicy food. there's no way you're crying cause of that. just please. please just tell me what's-"

"it's sams birthday." she mumbles.

* * *

y/ns pov:

i look down at the floor and tighten my jaw, holding back tears.

"oh...really?" ruel stands up, and i stand up too. he puts his arm around my waist.

i nod, "i miss him. really bad."

he hugs me tight and i cry into his chest.

"i didn't know...i...i...i...i didn't know how empty it would feel. there's...there's this part of the world that's just...just gone and everyone else just keeps moving forward."

"oh y/n i'm so sorry." ruel wipes a tear off his face and rocks me.

"and the worse part is there's nothing i can do. i can't save him i can't...i can't bring him back. i'm...i'm completely useless." i sob out into his chest.

"no. you're not useless. you're so-"

"no. no you don't know."

he sighs, "i know that you're a good person. with a big heart. and i know that sam was very lucky to have you as a friend.

"he wasn't though. he wasn't." i pull away and ruel wipes the wet tears off my face, "i left without telling him and as soon as i got him back i let him die! it was my fault he died!"

"no, no, no, no, y/n, no it was an accide-"

"it was my fault!" i scream. ruel flinches. "it was all. my. fault! if i didn't ever run away, if i didn't leave, i'd still be with sam! he would've never died! i would be with him right now if i didn't run away! and i wouldn't have had got kidnapped either! i would still be with those psychos but i wouldn't have this huge black hole in the middle of my heart! i wouldn't have panic attacks every night and loose sleep over thinking about what i went through! i'd be fine! ruel i'd be a so fine!" i sob hard into his chest and he holds me still.

he doesn't say anything. he just holds me. he just holds me and keeps me still.

"but if you didn't run away," ruel whispers through his tears, "if you didn't run...you wouldn't have met me."

i cry harder and he strokes my hair while he cries silently too.

"ruel?" i say shakily.

"mhm." he doesn't let go of me. he needs me as much as i need him.

"i'm ready."

"for what."

i take a breath, "if i ever tell you about my past, it's never because i want you to feel sorry for me, but so you can understand why i am like this."

he pulls slightly away and looks at my face, his arms still wrapped around me, "okay...do you want to sit down?"

i nod and grabs my hand and he walks me to the couch. we sit down and i lean against him.

"okay," i take a shaky breath, "i don't know anymore. sorry. it's hard."

"so talk to me, let me help you!" he rubs my back, "don't keep it all in."

i look into those beautiful, deep, eyes and sigh, "you wouldn't understand. these things, you can't just fix them. you can't just talk it out and be done with it. it...it doesn't work like that. you wouldn't understand."

ruel stays silent, looking at me, tears still falling, not knowing what to say. so i continue, "it's good though. it's good that you can't understand. because to understand, you'd have to go through it yourself. and these things, well, these things i wouldn't wish even on my worse enemy."

he smiles, "you're a good person, y/n."

and i tell him. i tell him my life. the 'fantastic story' of my life. i tell him about them hurting me to me and sam just vibing, making music in his room. i tell him about running away and living on the streets, i tell him about being taken away and how horrible it was. i tell him about seeing sams rotting body. and how cold that room was and how much pain i was in. and how i almost gave up. countless times. but i didn't, i didn't for him.

and he sat and listened. i've waited so long to find this person. just someone who loves me. someone who cares. someone who listens. and it turns out that person is ruel.