run over - ruel vandijk

• i just want to feel something •

a/n: i'm sorry for the comments in here :) ily all. frickin helenn. 😳

i wake up in ruels bed 10 minutes later. ruel's sitting on his chair looking at me worriedly.

"y/n, hey. how are you feeling." he runs over to me and touches my forehead.

"i'm fine. what happened? what's going on?" i say sitting up and feeling my heart rate pick up again.

ruel grabs my hand, "heh it's ok. don't worry. you just had a panic attack. it's all good." he smiles at me and his mum walks in with some water.

"hey y/n." she smiles handing me the water, "drink it and take this." she gives me some painkillers (ahA i'm so cool).

"thank you." i smile weakly and take it.

she walks out and closes the door. ruel sighs.

"are you okay?" i put the water on his bedside table and rub his arm.

"yeah it's just i-" he looks at me and cuts himself off. "sorry i'm fine."

"ruel." i look at him.

"i am!" his voice goes high and he has a voice crAck. he looks away from me and his face goes red. he laughs in embarrassment.

i laugh at him, "ruel! come on it's okay just tell me what's wrong." i kick him softly with my foot.

"no no no it's okay don't worry." he kicks back.

"ruel."

he crosses his arms and sighs again, "ugh. it's just..." he tries to speak but there's pain in his voice. i just want to hug him forever and never let go.

so i do.

but i eventually let go. you kinda have to. it's just the way hugs work. wish i could change that but you can't.

he wipes his tears away quickly. he doesn't want me noticing that he was crying. but i notice.

"ruel-"

"i'm fine." he looks down at his lap, "it's just...i miss him too you know? he was a really good friend to me and i know he was your friend and i'm not trying to say that-" he cuts himself off, "sorry it doesn't matter i-"

"hey. it's okay. you can talk to me. i don't want you being afraid to let your feelings out. just because you're a boy doesn't mean you have to be strong. i love you so much and i'm so proud of you. it's okay. you can talk to me."

a tear falls down his perfect cheek and he lets it fall. he smiles softly at me and takes a breath.

"okay. i'm just scared for today because...yeah...i just don't know anymore...like it feels like i'm stuck somewhere. i didn't even know him for that long...he was such a good friend...i'm sorry."

ruels pov:

she leans over and hugs me again. but i feel so small. even though i'm almost a whole foot taller than her, i feel so small. her arms seem so much longer and i feel like a small little thing she's cradling in her arms.

and it feels nice. it feels nice to feel small. i'm always judged and i always feel like i have to meet this high standard but when i'm with her i just feel me, and it's amazing.

she lets go and i'm big again. but it's fine. she smiles at me and i lean over and kiss her softly on the cheek. i smile back at her and we get up and walk downstairs.

* * *

*tiiiiiiiime skipppppp*

y/ns pov:

i walk through the gates of the church and i feel alone again. even though so many people dressed in all black are surrounding me as i walk in and find my seat next to ruel and his family.

there's this empty feeling, and i've felt it before, many times. but this...this feels like the emptiness inside of me will never leave.

everything's a blur from then on. sams mother and father talking and the preach giving kind words from god, and praying for sam...but it gets closer and closer to the end...and closer and closer to my speech...

soon enough, i get called up. i shakily walk up to the front and look at the audience. small sad smiles where given and there was many crying, not even being able to look at me.

but the emptiness inside of me turns numb and now i don't feel anything at all. i take a breath and grab my speech from my pocket.

i look down, at the words that took me days to write. i couldn't get myself to do it. and i skim through it and then i look out and see ruel, a tear falls slowly off his face and he nods at me.

"um." i say and hear my voice through the mic. the air was so silent. i wanted to die.

i take another breath and look down at my paper, "so about seven years ago i was walking into my my new...home and i saw this boy..." i look at the audience and then back at the paper.

no, i don't need a life story. i scrunch the paper up and shove it in my pocket.

"sam." i say loudly into the mic making everyone flinch, "the boy was sam. the day i walked into my new 'home' was the day i met my best friend."

the silence was so loud.

"and at that point i never knew what a best friend was. i never knew what it was like to have someone that's there for you. but sam changed that. he made me see the world and how truly incredible it is...and i...i...i probably wouldn't be standing here today if it wasn't for him."

i look at my feet, i can't look up. i can't. i feel so numb.

"there was so many points in my life when i just wanted it to be done. i need it to. but every time i tried sam was always there. he always lingered in the back of my mind and he made me not want to give up."

"and maybe you might be feeling like this." i try and look at the people, "maybe you feel broken, numb, empty, all these feelings that you can't control, and you don't know why they're there. maybe you want to give up. but let me tell you, you do not want to. sam doesn't want you to. you will find someone, if you haven't already, and they will turn your life around. they will make you see how beautiful life is and how much you need it. some days i wake up feeling like i can't do this anymore. but i always remember that i have such an awesome family." i look at the vandiJks, "and that i know i'm loved." ruel smiles softly at me, "and the thoughts soon go away. but sam will always be remembered."

there was a long moment before i continued. it was so quiet it was like i could hear every person breathing.

"and now i'm here. talking to you about my best friend." a tear rolls down my cheek, "i'll never forget that day...the day where i had to say goodbye. the day where i felt alone again. the day where i had to...i had to watch...him...die. i'll never forget the way it felt. i'll never forget watching him fall and me being helpless. i'll never forget feeling like everything crashed at me again and it felt like i was lost again. it felt like i was gone again. it felt like there was nothing that i could do."

i look up and ruel was crying, so was almost everyone.

"and speaking to you now...it's like they say...it's like i've lost him again you know? it's...it...it feels like i'm back to that day. i'm back at that cliff. and it feels like i'm going to break. like i'm just going to fall into pieces."

i stop speaking and move away from the mic. i slowly walk and sit down next to ruel. but i don't feel anything. i feel nothing and i just want to feel something. i just need to feel something.

a/n:

ahhhhhhhh this was so sad to write and i really sorry. i'm also sorry about not upDaTiNg LiKe brO i neEd tO stOp LeAviNg tHiS AT tHe LasT miNuTe. ooft anyways have a great day and hopefully i do update sooner ahhh.