FOREVER, YOURS // Matty Healy.

You didn't even take underwear?

Matty

When I woke up I realised what happened last night. I said something stupid to Alyssa, got drunk and then asked her to be my girlfriend. What the fuck is wrong with me? Not that I regret asking her, it was clearly something that would come up at some point but seriously, I'm so fucking stupid for causing her to be annoyed at me.

I rolled over and saw her sleeping figure next to me. She truly is one of the most beautiful human beings on this planet and yet here I am already fucking it up. She deserves better if I'm honest but my selfish tendencies wouldn't ever stop me from trying to keep her as my own.

The hangover wasn't half as bad as I expected it to be considering the amount I drank, not to mention the lines of coke I did with George at one point. Alyssa didn't know that though, she didn't truly know how much I could depend on drugs to keep me going through dark times. I pulled myself out of bed and threw on some sweats and a jumper. The cold November air blew through the open window.

I grabbed my fags off the bedside table and slipped out onto the balcony, sitting down on the concrete. I lit up a fag and begun smoking it. Something about the first smoke of the day hits differently.

The truth is, if Alyssa comes on tour with us I don't know if I can truly hide how different I can be during the touring process. If I'm honest, we haven't toured in a while so maybe I won't be as self destructive but it's who I am as person. The last tour we did I started doing heroin, something that I'm not proud of and since then I haven't really done it but what if the feeling comes back and I turn to it again?

I don't want her to see me like that, I know how unappealing and scary it can be. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to stop myself.

"You're awake early." Alyssa's voice brought me out of my thoughts. I looked up at her and sighed.

"What time is it?" I asked her.

"7:32." She said softly, sitting down next to me. She was wearing one of my hoodies, it looked massive on her though. I passed her my fag and she took it gratefully, taking a long draw and then handing it back. "You were wrecked last night."

"I know." I nodded, taking another draw for myself.

"I think I'm gonna come on tour." She announced, I looked at her and I just wanted to be excited about it but the fears were still swirling around my head. I forced a smile and she somehow bought it.

"I'm glad you've decided to come." I said to her, she looked away and seemed to be in thought. Her hair was messy looking but it suited her, she just looked amazing no matter what she seemed to do.

"I'm a little nervous though." She looked over at me, I could tell by the look on her face. She didn't even need to tell me.

"Why?" I asked.

"I'm just a bit scared of how your fans will react if they see me, is all." She said, just barely above a whisper.

"Don't worry about that. Fans are a bit mental sometimes but the majority won't give a fuck." I was trying to be as reassuring as possible but it was hard when I was having my own internal nerves hitting a sore spot.

"I'm excited to see you guys play though, I hear you get really into it." She broke out into a smile, one that slightly eased my own nerves. It's crazy how much of an impact she has on me.

"I'm sure you'll see for yourself." I said, taking another draw. "It'll be good for you to see what it's like for bands during a tour. It's fun but it'll take a lot out of you so be prepared for feeling like you want to sleep all the fucking time."