FOREVER, YOURS // Matty Healy.

I'm tired of being who I am sometimes.

This video is a big part of the chapter so watch it, just so you get an idea of what is happening

Matty

To say the summer was eventful would be an understatement. I don't think I've stopped moving since the day we got back from the camping trip really. It was just one show after another, tour after tour and I was beginning to feel burnt out. It made me feel really ungrateful because it was always my dream to share the music I made with my friends with the world but for some reason, the numbing feeling within me wouldn't stop growing. No matter how hard I tried to suppress it.

It was bittersweet because I had everything I wanted yet my mind couldn't stop wandering. What if it wasn't enough? Could I ever truly be happy with my life choices? I had the girl of my dreams and my best friends around me daily, living out our passions and getting paid for it nonetheless. Shouldn't I be satisfied?

In short, no. I wasn't. Which is truly the hardest pill to swallow and since I'm so fucking good at that, you'd think I'd be able to just pucker up and accept my metal state for what it is. But I just couldn't.

"Do you want a drink?" George asked me, I looked up at him and shook my head no. I didn't want a drink, I wanted to fill my head with drugs but we had a fucking award show to attend tonight. It wouldn't be smart for me to whip out some heroin and start smoking it when all my friends and girlfriend were expecting me to put on a performance tonight.

"What's up with you?" Adam looked at me with curious eyes.

"Nothing." I mumbled and avoided his gaze.

"You've been really off recently." George said.

"Have I?" I asked with shock in my voice, I wasn't really shocked but I didn't want them to know that. I wanted them to think that everything was fucking dandy.

"Yeah you've been super quiet and reserved the past few days, you good?" George asked with a worried look on his face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just tired honestly." I sighed. "I love touring but it's exhausting sometimes."

"I know what you mean but this is what we live for, y'know." Adam smiled at me. "It gets a bit much at times but we power on through."

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Are you missing Alyssa?" George asked. I looked up at him and shrugged.

"I see her a lot, so not really." I said softly.

"I don't know man, since she didn't come on the last tour you haven't seen her a whole lot." Adam raised an eyebrow at me.

"Well yeah but she's got things she has to do for Jamie. She'll be on the next one anyway and I'll see her tonight." I looked at them both and they seemed a little unsure of my answer. "I'm fine, me and Alyssa are fine. Don't worry so much, jeez it's not that deep."

"Someone definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed today." George chuckled, I rolled my eyes and folded my arms across my chest.

"Right well I'm going home to get ready for the night, I'll see you all later okay." I got up off the couch.

"See ya." Adam called out.

"Later mate." George said, I gave them a last nod and then headed out.

I can see their concern for me, I appreciate it all but it didn't change how I felt. It didn't make me feel any less weighed down with the pressure of keeping up this image for the fans. I was always going to be looked up at from these people wanting me to show them my world for an hour, waiting to hear me say something to change their perspective for a bit. It was so fake to me right now because I'm not someone to listen to, I can't even practice what I preach.