FOREVER, YOURS // Matty Healy.

I just feel like I should've been there for him more.

TW//Suicide.

Matty

My dreams were filled with unhappy scenes, not quite a nightmare but something that made me feel unsettled. I assume it was due to the alcohol intake from the night before and possibly due to the fact I was worried about Alyssa. It took me a lot longer to fall asleep than it should have while I was drunk. I never find it hard to sleep when intoxicated but for some reason the worries were keeping me awake, unable to shut off my thoughts from picturing the worst scenes.

When I did wake up, the heavy feeling in my chest hit me all over again. It was almost like someone had sat on my chest all night. I looked at my phone in a panicked motion that almost knocked it off the bedside table onto the floor but luckily I grabbed it before it actually slid off. The screen burned my eyes when I pressed the home button but there were no texts or missed calls from Alyssa and the clock read 10:43am. I frowned at the screen, there were a few texts from George asking if everything was okay since Alyssa never turned up last night. I didn't know what to reply with so I just ignored it for now.

Alyssa must've spoken to Jamie to let him know she wasn't going to be in work today since she should've been there half an hour ago. It was hurting my brain to think of the possible things that were wrong but I didn't want to push her to tell me until she was ready to. I got myself out of bed and showered as quickly as I could just in case Alyssa called and I missed it.

Still there was nothing when I came out.

It struck me as odd for her to go completely mia when she told me she would call me, I just had to keep telling myself that everything would be okay and she would ring me in her own time. The only thing that would take my mind off things while I waited was to write, maybe even play guitar a bit.

I sat down with my notepad open and guitar in my lap, trying to think of something. Anything. I couldn't stop thinking about the night Alyssa almost died, it was plaguing my head again since there was something going on back home. The idea that someone was in danger, Alyssa being even more distraught made me scared for her already fractured mental health. So my mind decided it wanted to keep picturing it, replaying it. No matter how many times I tried to shake the thoughts from my head, they just kept popping up again.

I looked down at the paper and frowned.

The straight lines, they unwind you.

The blood that would continue to flow down her nose, onto her lips kept replaying in my head. The way her eyes looked before she went into the bathroom. Her pale skin.

She says the bleeding's incidental, 'cause she's so cool.

I glared at the words on the paper. Was this fair for me to write about her in such a state? Could I play it off as if there was someone else that this happened to and maybe just pretend it wasn't about the girl I love, almost dying in front of me? Maybe it was the guilt in my stomach that concluded that these words were the only way for me to express how it looked.

The night we first kissed she made a joke, it was simple and so Alyssa but it stuck out to me. Somehow more than most things she said. "I'm no fun if you've only a bottle of wine." The words swirled around my head again, she was implying that we needed more alcohol to loosen up and get to know each other while we played 20 questions. She was probably 4 shots down by that point and the alcohol had set in.

It's not like I haven't written songs about women I was dating in the past, pretty much half my backlog of music was about relationships of some form but this time felt different. It felt personal what I was writing.

It made me think of everything though, all the times she spoke to me about Mason and how she would miss him. The look in her eyes made me feel sick because I was hopelessly falling in love with her without my own knowledge. But at the same time I could always tell there was something up with her, she didn't make it subtle. She didn't have the capacity to hide how she truly felt and that's probably the main reason I worked up the courage to finally fucking tell her how I felt.