FOREVER, YOURS // Matty Healy.

I'm not avoiding you.

Alyssa

The days were easy to deal with, once the tour was over things went back to normal for me. I went back to working regularly, it was the nights that hurt most. More so because I was back in the flat with Matty, only metres away from him at times. He avoided me as much as he could, I don't know if it was for his own benefit or mine but it somehow made the aching in my heart worse.

A part of me wanted to tell him I didn't mean it, when I woke up alone in that hotel room I panicked. I wanted to run to George's room and beg him to forget it all but there was just this nagging at the back of my head that told me not to.

It wasn't just the kiss, it was more than that. The pressure of being his girlfriend, my own down fall in my mental state and the fact that no matter how hard I tried, I'll never be able to erase who he was in the past. It seems selfish but seeing him with her made me realise, there were just too many people to compete with when dating someone like Matty, I just don't think I can keep his attention long enough to not get hurt in the end.

I don't know if I can keep living here though, it wasn't right. The temptation to fall back into his arms would surely be the downwards spiral into a routine that would hurt us both in the end. I needed to get out but my options were few and far between.

Today was just another day of waiting for the pain to hit me again. I didn't really understand how strong my feelings were for him until I ripped myself away from him. Maybe it's a good thing, break the attachment now before I get in way too deep.

I walked into the flat, the silence was deafening. It was almost as though there was no sign of life or ever had been. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, when I turned around I saw Matty begin to walk into the kitchen but the second he saw me he had a look of panic and turned on his heels. I rolled my eyes, why was he being so awkward about this. "So you're just gonna avoid me forever?" I called out. He stopped walking and slowly turned around.

"I'm not avoiding you." He replied, barely able to look at me.

"It seems like it, we've been back almost a week and I haven't seen you once." I shrugged.

"This is difficult, I'm trying to give you some space." He frowned.

"I appreciate that but you can't just float around here like a ghost until you feel it's okay to talk to me." I told him, he looked up with sad eyes.

"I'm not trying to make things weird, I just don't know what to say or do right now." He scratched the back of his head.

"Well if it makes things easier, I'm looking for a new place." I said softly, his eyes flashed with disappointment.

"If you think that's for the best but you don't have to, this will pass." He said just above a whisper.

"I just think it's a bit hard for us to be around each other right now and I don't want to make things even more difficult for either of us, we work together and it's just not going to end well if we're going through a break-up." I bit my lip awkwardly.

"You can do whatever you like to get yourself through this but this place is always somewhere for you to stay." He gave me a weak smile.

"I appreciate that." I smiled back.

He nodded and walked off to his room again. When I heard the door shut my heart felt like it was shattering all over again. I would've done anything in the moment to run in there and tell him how much I wanted this to be over and just fall into his arms again. But it wouldn't change anything and that's the bitter, harsh reality when you love someone. No matter how much you want them, the issues that caused you to want to give up are still going to be there.