FOREVER, YOURS // Matty Healy.

You didn't even have the guts to admit what you did.

Matty

Waking up and having the whole night replay in my head was harder than I thought it would be. When you wake up after something bad happens, you forget it all for a few minutes until it hits you all over again. It sometimes feels worse in a way because you're so blissfully unaware of it for a brief time before your head makes you remember.

This was one of those times where I just wished I'd never woken up at all, it would've been better if I didn't. Alyssa wasn't in bed when I did wake up, making me realise how much I really did fuck up. There was no sign of her on the balcony either which made me feel ever sadder.

I pulled myself together and got dressed for the day, feeling a little thankful for getting a haircut the other day because it was getting out of hand. I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed the circles under my eyes were getting worse as the days went by me. The stress had been building up and now it was all out in the open, maybe I would begin to relax a little. That also depends on how I can fix this, if I even can fix it all at this point.

I walked out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen where I found Alyssa sitting at the breakfast bar. She was reading a book and drinking coffee, something that she did most mornings when I woke up. She didn't look up when I entered the room and it hurt me a little, was she going to ignore me now?

There was still some coffee in the pot so I poured myself some and sat down across from her but she still didn't look up. It felt awkward now, what was I supposed to do?

"Alyssa?" I spoke up. She slowly looked up from the book in front of her, a blank look plastered on her face which gave me a gut wrenching feeling.

"Matty?" She returned in a similar tone.

"Can we please talk about this?" I asked, hopeful that she would be in a better frame of mind than last night.

"What is there to say right now?" She questioned, it was more of a statement than a question really.

"I want to talk about all this mess, I have to fix it." I frowned at her.

"You didn't want to talk about it before, so what's changed?" She tilted her head to the side. "Is it because your secret is out now and you want to try and convince me that lying to me was the best thing for you to do?"

"It wasn't like that." I returned.

"Enlighten me then." She closed over her book and clasped her hands on the island in front of her. "What was it like?"

"I didn't want you to know that I cheated on a past girlfriend and think I'm going to do the same to you." I explained.

"See the thing is Matty, okay you did cheat on your girlfriend in the past. Do you know what it's like to be on the other end of that?" She questioned me, her eyes were piercing into mine.

"No." I shook my head.

"So you don't know how that feels." She said bluntly. "I do and it ruins a person. Did you even tell her what you did?"

"No." I whispered. "Nessa did in the end."

"You didn't even have the guts to admit what you did." She furrowed her eyebrows at me.

"I didn't get the chance." I protested.

"Like you didn't get the chance to tell me the truth." She shot back quickly.

"Look I made a mistake, I paid for it back then and I'm still paying for it 2 years later." I grumbled, running a hand through my hair.

"Am I supposed to feel bad for you?" She scrunched up her face in disgust.