Blazing Rivers

29

BLAZE

The heart wrenching, four year anniversary of my family's death is fast approaching. The inevitable day making fear and guilt bubble up inside of me. The overwhelming feelings making me want to drown everything out. The whole world, my life, my head. I wish everything could stop. I wish I could be myself, even though deep down I know that can never happen.

The whole Christmas Eve morning was in eventful. All I did was watch cliche Christmas films with Cori, who cried after every single one. The sniffling lasted for an hour before the crying started up again after another had finished, it was a never ending cycle of tears for him. I would've punched him but it's the holidays and I have to be nice.

I was hoping for snow so I could leave him and go out in that, but it still hasn't happened. It hasn't snowed for nearly four years, so it's disheartening seeing the sun still shining. The last snowfall I was dragged outside by my little brother, building snowmen for hours on end. I miss the ice cold feeling of my tongue after a snowflake landed on it, becoming paralysed by the sensation. I miss my brother dearly during this time of year, his excitement and warmth he used to radiate to everyone he met.

"Blay, Blay, there's snow outside!" Finley jumps upon my bed, bouncing up in the air.

"Really?" I jolted up, making a beeline for the window, Finley toddling behind me.

Crisp fluffy snow covered the back garden, no ounce of colour in sight. Finley's eyes gleamed up at me, a hopeful smile on his face. Rolling my eyes I nod, already knowing what he was going to ask.

After hurrying to get dressed, we scurry down the stairs, hand in hand, out the door. The crunching of snow filled my ears, the six inch snow making it difficult to walk.

Giggling filled the street, the two of us making the only noise. Flashing fairy lights illuminated their smiling faces.

"Wow wow wow, Blay, this snowman is going to be so amazing." Applying the last touch to the snowman, I step back, Finley following.

"Thank you for doing this with me Blay." He smiled, tugging me down to his height.

Wrapping his small arms around me, I stroked his head. The softness of his beanie tickling my fingers.

"My pleasure Fin." Kissing his forehead, earning a kiss on the cheek, we walk hand and hand back inside, making a beeline for hot chocolate.

Thinking of my brother made me really need a release. Need someone to talk to during this desperate attempt to push all thoughts of him away. River is not here though, he has sadly gone away to New York for the holidays, but is coming back on the 27th. He's still sending me little texts here and there to see how I am. He also thanked me for his gift, the watch and a new leather jacket since I've still got his.

I wish he was here right now, but I have to hold on until he's back. I can't let the overpowering feelings take over. Not now. Not after how far I've come.

Sitting in front of the blazing fire, I watch as the fire thrashes about, the heat warming my hands. In a peaceful silence, I let my mind wonder, trying to calm my nerves for the upcoming days. Only Jake and I were home, so I could have time for myself, Jake's not one to hover over people, he gives them the space that they need.