Blazing Rivers

31

BLAZE

Everything hurts. I can’t escape the constant pain I feel. I thought that maybe I could get through this day, but after going back to my old house, it’s changed everything. They say you can’t escape your guilt no matter how hard you try, it catches back up with you one way or another. Catches you to just break you down again, holding you down with steel chains that no matter how hard you budge, no matter how hard you try to get free, the chains tighten, squeezing everything out of you, squeezing the life out of you, but like groundhog day, the entirety of the cycle repeats itself.  Day in day out.  

New Years Eve in 2016 was meant to be an exciting occasion, with fireworks and drinks with the family. A time to start a fresh ready for the new year. That however never happened. It wasn’t exciting nor was it fun. December 31st 2016 was the worst day of my life. The worst part of it all was that it could’ve been avoided. My parents and my little brother’s death all could’ve been avoided if I made a different decision, if I chose to stay home with them for just one night. 

One night changed everything. 

The first year without my family was the hardest. I became a totally different person, cutting myself from my friends, school and life in general.

 At fourteen, a few days after my birthday I turned to drink, that becoming the only thing I could count on. The only thing that would numb my mind and body of everything, helping me forget just a little bit. I would sneak a drink from Jake and Nicola’s secret stash behind the bookcase and sneak out to parties being held by teenagers that were much older than me. My bad reputation kept growing. When I was fifteen the drink wasn’t working for me anymore probably why I met Greyson, he was the main person who’d have the drugs at parties, though I’d never been introduced to him. Meeting him changed everything, because after that I became sucked into his world and friendship group, got hooked on drugs and got invited to the best parties around Birmingham. 

My actions the night of December 31st have had an everlasting effect. One that has impacted my life.

They wouldn’t be proud of me, my mom wouldn’t recognise the sweet girl she knew and my father wouldn’t recognise the bubbly girl who used to play guitar with him. I’d be alien to them, the physical body of someone they once knew. 

The past few days since I visited the house have consisted of me sitting in my room, the curtains closed, wanting to be in nothing but darkness. Ignoring anything and anyone. Secluding myself away from the cruel outside world.

 Waking up with a sliver of light coming through, hitting my eyes with such force, not remembering the feeling of sun hitting my skin. Rubbing my eyes, I open the curtains, looking out into the back garden. Watching life go on. Moving to stand in front of my broken mirror, I gaze at the dark circles under my eyes, my skin pale and grey, my green eyes having lost the light that I had only just found again. Brushing a few messy strands of hair away, I notice something under my bed. Turning around, I get on the floor, crawling to the mysterious thing under my bed. An old packet of pills. Debating on whether to take them in my grasp, my mind flickers back to the only option of getting through this day. A solution to this tragic day. 

Opening the packet, I drop a single blue pill into my hand, my eyes staring at it, not wanting it to disappear. Opening my mouth I knock the pill back, a void in my heart from what I’d done. Leaning back into my bed frame, I let a single tear fall.

Stripping my clothes off me I jump into the steamy hot shower, letting the water cascade down me, poking like pins on my ice cold skin. Scrubbing the soapy flannel all over my skin, I put my head under the faucet, drenching my hair ready for the shampoo and conditioner.