Blazing Rivers

34

I don't usually do notes at the start. This next chapter has references to suicide and has some descriptive stuff in it

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RIVER

Watching Blaze go through what she is going through reminds me of when I lost my dad, everything that went on with me and what I put my mom through during that time. The painful memory of my father’s body lying on the cold floor in a pool of his own blood.

My car door slams and Blaze slides in the seat, pulling the seat belt around her. I start the car, ready to drive away.

“How did it go?” I ask as I move my gaze to her.

“It was okay, I think I can start to move on now, I’ll try anyway.”

“It does get easier, it just takes time.” 

“Is that what it was like for you?” Her question catches me off guard as I’m driving away from the cemetery and on the main road.

“Something like that.” I say, the starting point to my drinking problem being more than a sore subject. 

The tall grey building of my apartment was a sight I was glad to see, stepping into the lift and pressing the button for the top floor. I wait for the doors to open back up. I wanted to avoid Blaze’s question, not knowing the right words to say. I’ve never fully spoken about what happened that day, but I think I could tell her. Taking a deep breath in I turn to her, needing to tell her my story.

“My dad died when I was seventeen.” I mutter. The lift stops and the doors open in front of us. Scratching the back of my head, I reach for my keys, fiddling with the metal keyring avoiding Blaze’s eyes.

“That must’ve been tough.” She says lightly touching my shoulder. “Want to go to the roof instead? We could get some air.” She suggests leading me back to the lift. 

Absorbing scenery the roof gives of the city I find myself thinking back to New York and all the things I miss about it. The bustling city, K.J’s bar where my friends and I would chat for hours, the diner, and my home. I know someday I have to go back even though I have a reason to stay and staying is becoming a lot more likely. Gazing at the sun, I turn to Blaze wanting to finish telling my story. 

“I’ve never fully told anyone what I’m about to tell you. It hurt too much, but I really want to tell you because you’re the only one that would fully understand and I trust you.” Fear starts to rise up inside of me.

“You can tell me anything.” She smiles moving strands of hair out of her eyes.

“It was September 20th and it was a normal school day, I hung out with my friends, went to my lessons. Everything was normal until I got a message that changed everything. My always seemed full of life, hopeful and happy, but those perceptions changed after that day. He sent me a message saying how much he loves me and how proud he was, he then said goodbye. I knew instantly something was wrong, it wasn’t like my dad at all. I got my friend K.J to drive me home and my friend Antonio came too, we were all worried.” Tears begin forming in my eyes inflaming my skin. Blaze reaches up to wipe them away, her soft fingertips sending tingles throughout my skin, the small gesture calming my nerves.

“I got back to my place and tried rushing to the front door, but something through the window caught my eye.” Choking back tears, I take a breath in, the memory of my dad the way he was, hurting me too much. “My dad stood with a gun in his hands, a blank expression on his face as he caught me staring. I banged on the window after trying to get through the door, but seeing him with a gun to his head made me freeze in my spot. The loud bang  rang through my ears as my dad hit the floor, lifeless. My friends finally got through the door and I dashed in, but there was nothing I could do. The man I always looked up to was gone. I was in a haze a few days after that, my mom was in pieces, the whole family was. I was just lost. I stopped playing basketball, distanced myself from school, nothing was the same. I tried being strong for my mom but everything became too much. I started drinking a few days after it happened, it numbed the pain just long enough for me to get through the day in one piece.”

Tears streamed down my face, I went to wipe my cheek, my hands being replaced with Blaze’s. She cups my cheek, staring at me as I cry. The silence telling me more than her words do. She’s here and she cares. 

“I’m sorry that you had to see your dad like that, nobody should see someone they love like that, ever. You’re so brave with how far you have come, and I’m glad that you have told me this Riv.” She says with a smile as she moves her hands to wipe away the tears. Stroking my cheek one last time she removes her hand from my cheek and places it in my hand giving it a squeeze. Her small hand fitting in mine like a glove. 

Staring out at the city, Blaze leans her head on my arm, her eyes fluttering closed. The once blue sky slowly turns to colours of orange and red, the sounds of birds chirping and car engines running, the smell of coconut in the air. All of this made me realise that I’m happy to be here and I’m glad that I’m okay. It was the right decision to move to Birmingham, a fresh start was needed after everything that happened the last few years in New York. I’m also relieved that I caught up to Blaze when she ran out of the session and that she’s here right now. In a way we’ve helped each other and we need each other more than we’d ever admit.

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unedited