Blazing Rivers

30

BLAZE

I always thought I was invincible. That whatever was going on in other people’s lives, nothing bad would ever happen to me. How wrong I was. The disastrous night of the 31st of December 2016 changed everything, peeling away any shielding I had, and ripping away the thought of a simple life. That’s the night I fell and kept falling deeper and deeper underground into a pitless hole of nothingness. Leaving behind broken dreams and memories that I once had. The old Blaze shattering like glass, gold melting away. 

Christmas came and went far too quickly, I wanted to avoid the upcoming days more than anything, but I know that the issue won’t vanish. I just wish I could’ve had more time to think everything through. One idea has been itching away at me for weeks now, taking over my brain. I want to take the brave risk of going back to my old house, and hopefully go inside. I want to move forward now more than ever, I’ve stopped drinking, taking drugs, now I want to move past this guilt I’ve carried with me. 

Today I will go home. 

Shuffling around my room, holding my phone I glance down every few seconds, debating on making a call. I don’t think I should go alone. Scrolling to the contact I need, I press call, listening to the sound ringing, letting it drown my consuming thoughts out. River’s soothing voice fills my ears bringing a smile to my face. 

Hi Blaze, are you okay?

“Hey, um, do you think you could pick me up? I want to go somewhere.” 

Of course, see you in a bit. 

“Thanks Riv.” I tell him before hanging up

Throwing my hoodie on and pulling the hood over my head, I slump out of my room, passing Cori and Bentley playing video games the sound turned up to the highest level. Rolling my eyes, I poke my head through the door, chuckling slightly at the sight of the two playful boys. Now that Bentley is living with us it’s so much better, the three of us becoming closer than ever. Living together is like we’re all roommates. I’m glad he is here and not back home, if he stayed there any longer I would’ve been scared for the outcome.

“I’m going out in a bit, don’t wait up.” I say, breaking them away from their game.

“Okay.” They mutter, their attention going back to the game. Huffing, I stomp away, a part of me wanting them to ask what is wrong.

Clamping my fist, my knuckles becoming white, I wait beside Nicola’s royal blue Mazda, tapping my fingers against the cold metal roof. Closing my eyes, I let out a long sigh, dragging my foot repeatedly on the concrete floor. The cool air making goosebumps form all over my covered arms. The winter sun glaring down at me, like she’s judging my choices, watching my every move. Fidgeting my fingers I watch as different cars drive past, desperately waiting for River’s familiar car to pull up.

A car pulling up stops my constant fidgeting. My eyes widen and I stand up straight, watching River open the door to his car and stepping out. His silky raven hair blowing slightly and his warm brown eyes meeting my gaze. His lips drawing back into a grin, his crystal white teeth on display. 

“Blaze!” River calls, ushering me over. 

“Hey.” I reply, sauntering towards him.

The tention from the near kiss still lingers in the air, making me have to watch my every move, not wanting to cause anymore awkwardness between us, even though, only slightly, we’ve moved past it. Stepping into the car, River starts the car immediately, revving the engine. 

“Where to, Miss.” He spoke in a posh english accent.

“I’ll type it in the navigator for you mister.” I say with a smirk, putting on a fake accent. 

Typing my old address in, my fingers shake, a part of me begging not to go back. I think back to when I would pray to be in the comfort of my home after a long day at school. When I would walk in on my mom baking, the sweet smell of cinnamon and fruit flowing throughout the house. 

Going back now, taking the needed plunge, feels excruciating, like a weight tugging on my shoulders, wanting me to fall off the edge I’m now on. Going back home is a big deal, and has took days of thinking it all through. I have to do it. I can’t avoid the inevitable my whole life, even if I wish I could.

“What is this place Blaze?” River asks as we pull up on my old drive. 

My eyes stare unmoving at my family home, guilt rushing through my veins, and fear spreading like wildfire throughout. The grey painted wall look faded from what they used to be and the wooden doors still had peeling paint from, just how it was when I drove past their months ago. 

“M-my old home.” I mutter, glancing down at my hands. 

Drifting my gaze to my house, my hands start to tremble, a looming darkness overshadowing. A paralytic ache spreading in my heart. Zoning away from the world, my eyes stay fixed on my house, memories flooding my brain. My hands continue to shake in my lap, a squeezing sensation wrapping itself around my lungs.

“Blaze?” River’s voice echos throught my ears, his presence bringing a sense of security.

 Grabbing my hand, his soft fingers rub circles into my skin, the small affection breaking me away my stare on the house, dragging me back to reality. His tender touch causing sparks to fly inside of me. My other hand clutching my chest, I glance up at River, my nerves calming down. 

“You can do this. Do you wanna go inside?” I nod. 

River opens the car door, running around to my side, helping me out. Holding my shoulders, he guides me to the door, pushing me closer to the door. Intertwining our hands, he gives me a subtle nod, the two of us standing by the paint peeled door.  

Messing with the locks, River finally gets it open, first glimpse of the inside showing. Stepping inside the long hallway, the stairs to my left. Nothing has changed in nearly four years. My free fingers trace the dusty walls, the once joyful house completely ripped away, the glow that engulfed it now gone. Rooms that were once filled with furniture, now empty and bare, all but a single chair, broken in the middle of the kitchen, the wooden leg hanging off it. River gravitates behind me, his eyes never leaving me. Upstairs I guide River to my old room, the once light purple painted walls now faded over the time the house has gone unsold. 

“Was this your room?”

“Yeah, it was.”  

 Everything had changed.

I thought coming here would be good, would help me, but all it’s done is bring back overwhelming feelings, feelings that I used to drown out with alcohol and drugs.

“Everything is wrong. This was never meant to happen. I thought coming here would help me move on a little bit, but all it’s done is bring back unnecessary feelings. How did you do it? How?” I ramble.

“You may not think this now but somehow, someday you’ll realise that it did help. I promise you that B. You’re getting to a good place, but it doesn’t just happen overnight.” He says, holding my head in place so I look at him directly in the eyes.

“How long?” I cry.

“There’s no exact time, it’s just however long it takes.” 

“You promise.” 

“I promise you Blaze.” He spoke lightly stroking my arm. “Now lets go before someone catches us for breaking and entering. We can go somewhere else if you’d like.” 

“Okay.” I mutter grabbing his hand and leaving my childhood home once and for all.

I thought everything would be at least better, but somehow my home has crumbled away, just like this house, fading away like nobody ever lived here. Every memory and every ounce of pain has come tumbling back, passing through my collapsing walls. 

   

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unedited