I'm Still Me ✔︎

𝙸. 𝚂𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍

The emperor held his sword below my neck. His eyes holding anger. Sweat has covered my whole body while my hands clenched the hem of my dress.

This is my third life yet I haven't learned anything since.

A bitter smile crept to my mouth. My eyes looking down at his shoes as it continues to leak out some salty fluids.

Pain.

It would've been better if it was a physical one. I could endure it. Every kind of torture, I'll endure it.

Why do it have to be an emotional one?

My heart is clenching, an aching sensation never leaving. My whole body was trembling but I forced myself to look at him.

The one who I love yet hate at the same time.

Those two brown orbs that used to look at me with adorning look now held a hostile one.

For a moment, I thought a flash of guilt went through his eyes but I knew better.

In a moment or so, my head might be rolling away from my body and the culprit would be him.

For the third time, my life would be taken away by him and that same sword with a golden handle, a dragon with ruby eyes swirling through it, the same one who took thousands of lives and conquered many wars to protect my mother country, will be also the tool to take my life again like my first and second life.

My blood will drip over it again and his manly hand would wipe it as if it was a dangerous acidic fluid that would ruin his sword's state.

I know it since its the same gesture he did for my past two lives.

I did my best to change my fate but here I am, kneeling before him, his sword held against my neck as I was framed by the same crime before.

This man... I lived the rest of my life protecting him, encouraging him, pampering him, helping him.

In a more simple words, I lived the rest of my life loving him.

I thought that trying to change the scenarios would make him love me back.

In the first place, I even thought that he loved me but just fell out of love because of the poisonous words that was planted into him.

Until I realised that there's no way that you could fall out of love.

If it did, then it wasn't love in the first place.

He never loved me back in the first place. How could I stand against that vile woman?

My whole body was filled with guilt, anger, resentment, sadness, tons of emotions that even I couldn't distinguish.

My family died because of him. My unborn child died because of him. The people around me abused me because of him.

I didn't care about that before, blinded by my lovesick mind.

All my thoughts was about to make him love me back.

Which is an unreachable dream.

If I get another chance, a fourth life, I promise to not chase him anymore. I'll do my best to save my family, to save people with the best of I can. To save myself and live my life to the fullest.

But I might not be given any other chance anymore.

The Deity had already given me three chances and I ended up with the same ending.

Being killed by his own hands.

With that, a sudden thought lit up in my brain.

My two lives ended by his own hands. My third life can be different if I end it myself.

With a determined gaze, I grasped the end of the blade. My eyes wear teary, heart is broken, whole body is aching but I pushed myself to go forward and impale my chest with his mighty sword.

The emperor, my beloved, widened his eyes with a great surprise and tried to withdraw the sword but was prevented by my own hands that are clutching the blade.

The blade sliced my hand as I gripped it, a powerful pain spreading on my chest area where my heart lies.

"Are you crazy?!" he yelled and tugged at the sword, only to be halted by my harsh grip.

My body trembled with anguish and agony. My own eyes still staring at his and if it was still possible, my heart skips a beat.

I teared up more and clenched my teeth.

After all the things he have done. My heart still yearns for him.

I am truly a dumb and pitiful girl.

"I h-hope in my next life.. I-if there is one, I hope to e-end up with my soulmate, live with him h-happily, have kids and die by his side p-peacefully. I hope to save m-my own family and live a life w-without chaos." I sobbed out clenching the blades more tighter.

"Let go of the sword Y/n!" his panicked voice echoed.

Panicked?

I really am on the brink of death, having hallucinations that he's panicked for me.

His voice saying my name made me smile though. That itchy feeling in my destroyed heart coming up again. It's been years since I heard him calling me by my birth name.

I pushed myself more, wanting to end my life as quickly as I can. I glanced at him one more time, smiling at him who shouted repeatedly.

What is he saying? My head is too dazy to comprehend. I can only see him open his mouth. His hands already left the sword and was clutching my shoulders.

I can't deny that I still love you. I hoped that there's a possibility for it to fade because I don't want to fight for you anymore.

I'm certain that in my mind, I would still hear you whispering those three words happily as if you were sincere. It would still make my heart flutter despite of the things you did.

If there's another chance, I will force myself to just be on the side, watching you happily live your life with your chosen one. Even though it would be hard, it's better since I will get a peaceful life.

A life where I don't need to battle against some girl just to gain your heart. A life where I don't need to be cautious of traps and poisons.

I will make myself content to just see you enjoying your life even if it wasn't because of me.

Because that's love right?

Letting your loved one to be happy even if it means that you have to be hurt.

Sacrificing your own self just for them to be alright.

I really am a slave of his love.

I gathered up my strength and rasped out my last words.

"Goodbye, Jeon Jungkook."