Shut Up, Padfoot!

55

Sirius

Look, I'm not the brightest out there.

I lose my concentration easily and sometimes I forget that magic even exists.

So when it came to figuring out a simple mailing address, it's a bit of a ego knocker.

A couple days ago, I had no idea how I could contact Pandora. The girl graduated last year and frankly, I had no reason to be associated with her. All she really brought was some tragedy with the added sprinkle of trauma for Fawkes. I seriously did not think good of her.

I decided to head to the Ravenclaw tower. And remember when I spoke about ego? Well it pushed me down some more levels when I stood dumbfounded in front of their riddle knocker.

Quite honestly, my reflection against the metal engraved into the door was pretty patronizing.

The knocker questioned - so mockingly if I do say so myself - "What is always in front of you but can't be seen?" for the tenth time.

I sighed and just decided to stay outside until a student with a blue emblem in their robes passed by. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long until Xenophilius and his luxurious hair came.

He smiled warmly and gestured for me to follow after his absentminded "The future."

Now, if I could, I would've snogged this man after he so nicely offered to send a letter to Pandora himself.

He told me he would find me once he received the envelope, making sure to not open it before me.

So here I am.

Neatly pressed red waxed in folded paper in my hands after a couple days.

Xenophilius sat patiently on the window sill as he waited for me to place my finger under the cover. I took a deep breath, staring at the deep F surrounded by intricate flowers and vines engraved into the wax.

"You don't have to open it. The truth is there but you can choose to not know it," he suggested.

"I have to.. for Fawkes," I denied.

He hummed in response, leaning his weight on the brick wall. The cloudy sky complimented his silhouette and grey atmosphere closed in.

Without taking more time, I tore it open.

Dear Sirius Black,

I've been waiting for you to contact me. I know it is a bit late concerning her death. And I send my condolences... along with my apologies in advance.

As of now, I am studying the research my nonna has left for me. I'm the last living daughter with Pride blood running through my veins. So I have to carry on the tradition that is expected of the Pride family. You and nobody else will be able to find me, only Xenophilius will be able to. Nonetheless, he won't tell you anyways.

Cry and I have spoken on numerous occasions before the end of the school year. We tried devising ways of getting her to black out so Tom couldn't figure out what we were talking about.

I bit my lip in apprehension. I'm so close to the truth but I don't know if I'll be able to take it. The story of Cry's letter began to coincide with Pandora's and it's on the cusp of divine truth.

"I don't know if I should keep reading," I said.

"It's your choice. But if it were me, I'd stop reading," he replied.

"Why?" I asked.

"Stop myself from feeling more pain," he answered.

There's nothing else that can hurt me as much as losing the love of my life. I have to keep reading because she would want me to know. But would she really? Would she really want me still worrying about her? To think of her constantly when she's not even alive anymore?

That's exactly it.

She's not here.

She can't stop me from the decisions I make anymore. Even if I wished she could.

When we finally figured it out, we spoke. We made plans, revised plans, scratched out plans, repeat. Then the perfect solution came:

To die from the hand other than Tom Riddle.

I was against the whole thing. I couldn't stomach it. I wished it wasn't me that talked to her. I wished I didn't have Pride blood in me. But I owed her. In some way, I owed her. She didn't kill my nonna and my whole family blamed her.

So I had to do it.

That last day, in the train station, I killed her.

I hate myself for–

My hands shook and I can't read anymore. I can't register the words on the rest of the page. The letters became jumbled and I can't even take the self pity on the paper anymore.

"She killed her? Pandora? She killed her?" I choked out.

"Yeah... I'm sorry for your loss, Sirius," he responded.

"Sorry? For my loss? You're sorry for the death of my everything?" I demanded.

My throat constricted and my vision blurred. My lids burned with tears and the papers in my hand crumpled. 

"Can you even imagine what went through my head when I held her in my arms? With her blood everywhere on my hands? It took hours to wash it off!" I exclaimed.

"Sirius, hey..."

"Sometimes- sometimes I can still see dried blood under my fingernails," I whimpered.

He approached me, holding his body in a way that wouldn't seem oppressive. I grit my teeth to hold back my breakdown. I don't understand why he's acting like this. He's dating the person that murdered my soulmate.

"She's a murderer, she's a murderer, she's a murderer. You should've seen Cry on the train that night. She swore she killed her grandmother! But really, the real murderer is Pandora," I bitterly recalled.

He pulled me into his arms. I didn't think it would mean anything but I broke. I broke and my guards fell down. The tears stung my face and it hurt to breathe. He held me tightly and I wished it were her instead.

"I know, I know.. You don't have to forgive her right now. Just feel, Sirius, okay?" he reassured.

"She- she took her last moments to make her eyes grey, man. She did that for me... but I just wanted her- fuck! I just wanted her to think about herself for once," I cried.

"Cry was a great person. Everyone in the school knew that. She was selfless and cared about anyone in pain," he said.

"Yeah she did.. She told me to stop loving her. I don't think I can."

"Then don't stop. Just love her. I said she was a great person, not the smartest," he teased.

I groaned in frustration but laughed afterward, sniffling. "You're right."

He pat my back comfortingly, replying, "There's a reason she wasn't in Ravenclaw."

"Oh my god, shut up."

-lana