Shut Up, Padfoot!

63

Remus

Sniffling, I stomped on the cigarette. I felt the crunch under my shoe and sparks died out on the concrete. Clearing my throat, I looked back up.

The moon will be rising anytime soon.

Cicadas chirped louder and the temperature dropped. Dusk will fall and my claws will tear through my flesh. The dread of the long night settles deeper.

One last year of Hogwarts and the restricting lifestyle. No more days of misery and memories. Droplets of the past staining the castle inch by inch. I hate it here.

Once I graduate, I'm gone. Never coming back here. Hell, the only thing that could bring me back is if it was life or death. Even then, I don't know if I really will.

I forgot what a full moon looks like.

A long time ago, before I was bitten, I'd stare at the sky through my window. Gazing at the twinkling stars with that stunning bright moon. I'd reach out, hand in the air, wishing to touch the light in the dark.

After it all, I forgot. Once I transformed, I forgot everything. Like I blacked out. Cry would always recall what happened every night it happened.

She'd tuck me under her arm, point out the window and gestured to the universe. She seemed so happy. Telling me how the wind felt through her feathers, being so close to the upper world.

She'd say, "Sometimes I fly as high as I can. Stretch my wings out, you know? The wind's in my ears, right, and I keep going. Not until I can't hear anything anymore. It's quiet.

"Just for that moment, there is peace."

She spread her fingers, the moonlight treading along her skin in the dark. Her fingernails glittered and she squeezed me tighter.

"It was just a second, Moony, but it felt like an eternity. It felt like heaven, a divine feeling, really. So if that's what it feels like when I die, I don't think I'll be so afraid."

Her eyes shined. A spark in her pupils and it was the only time she was truly happy. The passion radiated off of her and the will to live, the will to love- I felt it.

Those nights were really something I hold dearly. They meant a lot back then and they mean a lot now. To have the experience of Cry Phoenix is never a regret. No matter the pain, the wonders of her overshadows it.

I'll never get over it. She's the closest thing I'll get to a big sister. So that's why I want to leave. I want to forget about her, forget about Hogwarts, forget about the life I had as Moony. And begin again as Remus Lupin.

Footsteps came from my side, I ignored it. Leaning against the pillar, I peered at the courtyard. Freshly cut grass wafted with the smoke.

"Remus..you alright?"

"Had a smoke, Iris," I replied.

"Ah, so you're not alright," she teased.

I rolled my eyes but couldn't help the slight smile on my face. She came up to me, grimacing at the draft that chilled her. Her curls fell into her face.

With my hand, I gently swiped them back. Her lashes fluttered and she approached me more. Her arm wrapped around my back and held me.

"Can I have one?" she asked.

I rose an eyebrow, surprised she asked me. She usually doesn't like it when I do it. She laid her head on my chest while I shifted my own arm across her shoulders.

Despite the initial shock from her question, I tugged the cigarette holder from my pocket. The click of the clasp resounded and she nimbly picked one. The end of the cig pressed to her lips and the image made my heart skip a beat. She seems too innocent for it. But the mix of her purity and the cigarette left me lightheaded.

With the cigarette between her lips, she reached into my front pocket for the lighter. I jumped at where her hands were going but she pretended she didn't notice.

"Let me light it," I offered.

She cupped her hand over the end of the cig and I flipped the lighter open. The flame erupted and I held it to the end. The skin lit up and burned. The smoke lifted and she took a drag.

She coughed once she breathed it in. I chuckled at her, her pout already settling. The hand on my torso tightened and she fisted my sweater.

I took the cigarette away from her mouth, placing it between my middle and index finger.

"You hold it like Cry used to," she said.

"Mm? What was that, love?" I questioned.

I brought the cigarette up to my lips, glancing at her. Her doe eyes flickered from my hand to my eyes. She relaxed her expression when she realized she was really curious.

"You used to hold it between your thumb and index.. do it- see, look!" she continued.

Once I readjusted my hold, she pointed it out. Her cute tone made me smile and with my free hand, I pulled her pointing finger into my palm. Because of that, her body drew closer to mine.

"I didn't notice," I told.

The back of her hand pressed into my palm and I intertwined our fingers. She's adorable. Hufflepuffs are cute things, but with her, it's another story. She was so naive and clean. Once she met me, some things.. changed.. but she keeps the pure exterior.

"Remus, what are we going to do?" she suddenly asked.

"What're you talking about?"

"You're graduating this year. But I'm not. Are you going to leave?" she questioned.

The tobacco smell lingered, fumes floating in the sticky air. I'm sure by now everyone knows that my cigarette holder empties twice as fast. The addiction took me fully and I can't stop. Her death happened and it's the only thing to keep me from remembering.

Hated the squelch of her blood under my hands. The weak fingers pushing mine away and her quiet voice telling me to stop.

"I don't know. I want to," I honestly answered.

"I understand. I just want you to know that I'll always be here for you. Always," she reassured.

"I know. You shouldn't though.."

She snatched the cigarette out of my hand, throwing it on the ground. The sole of her sneaker dug it into the cement.

"Too bad, too late. And Remus?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop smoking. Eat chocolate, it'll help."

-lana