Ours. |knj + ksj| (eng)

5

A/N: a little shorter and a little shitty but I hope you'll enjoy :)

"What did you need?" Jin asked after a while of silence between them. Namjoon looked down, thinking probably...

"Look Seokjin. This wouldn't work," he rose his gaze back at the older and brought the cigarette to his lips. He just nodded but his heart broke into a million tiny pieces when these words left Namjoon's mouth without even knowing why.

"I know," Jin gulped as he felt the tears filling his eyes. He blinked a few times.

"I also have a girlfriend and if she finds out..," he sighed and breathed out the smoke.

"I understand."

"I don't want her to know so... let's just forget about it, okay?" 

Jin nodded, as Namjoon threw the cigarette butt on the ground. He felt too weak to answer.

"You can go now."

And Jin did. He turned around, still holding his tears, while slowly walking home. He breathed out, trying to calm down.

And will all those feelings, it was a miracle that he managed to hold his tears all the way home.

But when Jin arrived in his room, he began to cry. He didn't even know why but he just felt heartbroken. Maybe he was hoping that Namjoon and he would start dating. Maybe his hidden hope disappeared at the moment his words left his lips. Maybe his crush survived even when he was mean to him and hit him. Maybe... He was in love.

Probably...

Jin hugged a pillow and curled up on his bed. He was silently sobbing and thinking about what Namjoon had said to him.

'This wouldn't work.'

'I have a girlfriend.'

'Let's forget about it.'

Every time he played his words over and over again in his head, his heart was aching. It hurt so much. His body was shaking, tears were streaming down his cheeks and soaking into the pillow. He felt like he couldn't breathe as he was choking on his own feeling of frustration.

He wanted to yell, he wanted to scream but nothing came out of his opened mouth.

...

The days were changing into weeks since that happened and Jin felt worse and worse every day.

'Time heals everything,' he was reminding himself all the time but it didn't feel like it did.

He faked a smile at school but cried himself to sleep at nights. He was barely eating and when he did, nausea came and he was back at the beginning. People at school didn't notice but Jungkook and his parents looked worried about him.

There was no denying that he was losing interest in living. Every day was the same routine as yesterday. He didn't enjoy doing his hobbies; cooking, singing, playing the piano. All he wanted was to do was to stay in bed and do nothing. Lying on his mattress and looking at the ceiling were much more exciting than going somewhere or doing something. Much more exciting...

He felt like nothing. He looked at himself every morning and saw an ugly fat looser. he didn't know if he really gained weight or if it was only his perception but there surely were days when he was hungry and ate all the things he could find. And then he cried because he fell fat. 

I should have never gone to that party. I should have never drunk that much. I should have never sex with him. 

I should have said 'no' and stop him.

But his touch back then had made him feel wanted. It had made him feel important. It had made him feel loved in a way. Finally, someone had wanted him. Jin knew that he was a person, who was laughing at him and hit him sometimes. But during that night, even when Namjoon had been harsh, he felt special.

But now he couldn't stop being disgusted with himself. He hated himself because he had let him use him as his toy, as something he could play with. He felt easy, cheap.

He felt like a whore...