56. Give me your... attention

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Night comes and I'm left standing in the bedroom, just staring at the double bed crammed in next to Yoongi's. The whole room is practically bed at this point. Am I supposed to sleep here? I mean, where else would I sleep? My mattress is seemingly gone with the wind so I don't have much choice. The biggest problem isn't the bed though, it's the cute guy in the bed.

"JK, hurry up," Seokjin whines while patting the spot next to him. "You need to rest."

"Yes, Hyung," I mumble and slowly make my way over there. I lie down and he tucks me in nicely before shuffling closer and closer until he can rest his head on my naked chest. Yeah, this is going to be a problem for sure. 

I haven't dared to bring up the subject of taking a break with him yet. We literally just got back together so if I ask him for space I think he'll take it the wrong way. Maybe if I just bear with it for a while he'll calm down on his own. My trip to the ER frightened him, so he probably needs this closeness. But maybe... he could back off just a little bit?

"Hyung," I say.

He hums in response while taking a deep breath through his nose, wanting to breathe in as much of my scent as possible. 

"I wanna be able to move a bit. Could you perhaps go back to your side of the bed?"

"No," he says right away. "I'm gonna stay right here."

"Why?"

He's quiet for a while before answering.

"Because like this I can hear if your heart stops while you sleep. Otherwise there's no way for me to know."

Hearing that makes me feel bad. I touch his shoulder and he pulls back to look at me. There's no denying the worry in his eyes. He's scared I'll leave him again. 

"Hyung, I won't die out of the blue like that. I'll be fine."

"How can you be so sure? It's not like you expected it to happen before."

"No, but it's different now. I have you by my side and I'm on my way to recovery. I'll feel better if you relax a bit more. Trust me, Hyung, I'm not going anywhere. You can't spend every moment of your life watching over me. It's not healthy for either of us."

His lip quivers at my words and my eyes widen when I realize he's crying. I sit up and he hides his face in his hands. 

"I'm sorry, did I say something bad?" I ask in a quiet tone.

He shakes his head while sniffling behind his hands.

"I'm just so scared, JK. I'm the one who should be feeling bad about all this. If I hadn't gotten marked by my boss none of this would've ever happened. I'm sorry for being so difficult all the time. My stubbornness almost took your life."

"That's not your fault."

"I made you feel so unloved you wanted to kill yourself before the heartbreak did it. I acted like a brat instead of telling you what I really felt. I drove you to the edge without even realizing it. You wanted to die, JK. All because of me."

"No, it wasn't you who did that-"

"Yes it was! It was me no matter how you look at it! I kept saying to myself that you're my mate when I went ahead and got marked by two other people like it was nothing. It made you feel like nothing. Whether you die of heartbreak or by doing it yourself, I will still be the reason behind it. I'm the reason you're going to die, JK. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to turn out like this. I understand if you don't like me as much as you used-"

I grab his hand and place it my own. He looks at me with teary eyes while he feels the ring on my finger. 

"Our bond is not a lie, Hyung. I love you more than ever. Yes, I will admit that I wanted to disappear because I thought you didn't want me anymore, but more than anything it was because of me. Because I felt I had nothing to give you. Even now I feel pretty useless. You're crying but I'm not sure how to comfort you. But I'll get better. I'll work on myself to be the best man you could possibly have. I used to think that it'd be better if you somehow found a better mate somewhere, but I realize now the best thing would be if I can become that perfect mate for you. I'll get stronger to protect you and I'll work hard to be able to support you in the future. It'll take a while, but I'll get there. I'm determined for us to live a good life, so trust me when I say that I won't give up again. I won't give up on you or myself. We need the both of us in order to be happy and I'm not going to leave you. You can rest assured I won't leave you, Hyung. You've been strong for the both of us, but this time I'm here to share that burden with you. I'm here and I'll always be here."

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