nothing near clarity

chapter 14

메리 크리스마스

It's already December 24, and of course, we were allowed to celebrate it with our family for it's a holiday afterall. But having members who came from China, Japan, Philippines and Jeju was something that made us gather together instead of being with our own families.

My older brothers were all busy too with their schedules, even Loren couldn't meet up with me today, and I totally understand them.

We all have our own lives to live. I don't expect them to be always there for me, also, I have my friends with me so it isn't that bad.

"So, it's already ten pm! I can't wait for Christmas!" Eunkyung eonnie happily said while jumping up and down making us smile at her antics.

"I just want Santa to give me my present already," I whispered making them turn to me with wide eyes.

"What?" I asked, confused as to why they were looking at me as if I just grew another head.

"We already told you that Santa doesn't exist!" Nari eonnie exasperatedly said making me groan before pouting.

"Eonnie!" I whined making them laugh. As childish as it may sound, I still believe that Santa exist, making me still wait for him to come and give me the gift I've been wishing for in my entire life.

A happy family.

But I know it wouldn't happen, because like what my members said, Santa doesn't exist, meaning a having happy family would never happen in my life.

I should've realized it sooner. I'm already 16 anyway, too old to still believe that someone out there can actually grant my wish.

So, with a heavy sigh, I walked out and locked myself inside of our room.

I know that I shouldn't act this way because it's one of the few times that I'll be celebrating with my members because I would usually be with Junkyu or Yedam oppa everytime it's Christmas.

But Eunkyung eonnie also takes me back to her house in Jeju so that I could celebrate with her family.

My phone started ringing, making me jump because of being startled by it. Once I regain my composure, I answered the call.

"Hello?" I greeted.

"Stella, are you alright?"

"Junkyu. . ." I whispered his name after I heard his voice. I remembered what happened that day on December twenty three when my anxiety started eating me, after that day, I never stopped drinking my meds ever again knowing that scenes like that will happen soon after we make our debut.

My members were all worried about me, but I dismissed the topic because I was ashamed of it. I don't want them to know more about my health issues.

I don't want to worry them.

"Advanced merry christmas, Stella." he greeted in the other line making me smile because it's weird to be away from him during Christmas.

"advanced merry Christmas to you too, Junkyu." I whispered as I remember that I'll still be seeing him tomorrow because we were actually invited too in the Christmas Party that will be held in the new YG building.

"How are you? Did it attack you again?"

I chuckled at his questions. He knew me all too well. He knew everything about me that it's hard for me to lie because it felt like Junkyu knows me more than myself.

He knew I have anxiety, thus making him rescue me from a panic attack on that day when he put his earphones in my ears to calm me down. He knew I hated crowded places, he knew I'm tired, he just knows everything, and he knows what to do everytime I'm close to losing my composure.