nothing near clarity

chapter 13

숨을 쉬다

My heavy breathing can be heard inside the dance practice room alongside my other members' pants as we try to catch our breath.

My face feels hot and flushed, and even without looking at the mirror infront of me I know my face is all red because of all the movements I made.

We were practicing different songs from famous artists because our director told us that they will make a video of us dancing to some songs.

We chose Fetish by Selena Gomez and Youth by Troye Sivan.

"I wanna go home!" Eunkyung shouted while panting heavily next to me, I immediately covered my ears because her high pitched scream can really be irritating.

"We'll go home after Mulan and Stella practiced their dance," Hiraya reminded her making Eunkyung whine even more. I just shook my head at her childishness.

Also, it's already December 23. It's been a few weeks after my performance in MAMA and as much as I want everything to be perfect, well, things aren't going the way I want it.

I wasn't allowed to look at any social media apps ever since I performed because I was expecting good results and feedbacks from the people, but I got hate instead.

Too much hate.

The song will also not be released making it even more harder for me. I was also very disappointed because I was not the only one who worked hard for it, even Jiyong sunbaenim and Teddy oppa worked on it.

Some fans were angry at me for singing my own solo song this early and I don't know if I should be angry or hurt or just ask forgiveness from them.

I don't know why they hate it everytime other artists from our company released their own song? Like for example, Yedam released his own song and he got hated on too.

I was a mess for the past few weeks, my members struggled because I don't know what to do anymore, I just kept on blaming myself for everything that had happened.

Also, my dream of releasing my own song crushed down because it will remain as an unreleased song from now on.

It's sad, but there's nothing I can do about it.

"Are you alright? Are you tired?" Mulan suddenly asked me when she noticed that I was being quiet again.

And because of what happened, I noticed how they all became more observant of me. I'm actually thankful, but sometimes I just wish they would just leave me alone.

But of course they wouldn't, especially Nari and Eunkyung. They would ask me how I was or if I need anything from time to time.

"no and yes," I answered her, it also came out like a whisper because I was really tired.

"You still want to dance?" Nari asked, worry evident in her tone making me shake my head.

I usually don't tell them what I feel, but today I feel extremely tired. All I want to do is sleep and just feel the soft pillow on my head.

"aigoo, let's go home then!" she said before coming near me and she started hugging me making me push her away.

"hey! stop!" I yelled, half irritated, half laughing, as I was trying to push her away again, but she didn't give up so I just let her hug me.