nothing near clarity

chapter 10

비 목걸이

I'm breathing heavily, feeling tired and the evidence are my eyes having dark circles around it, but I'm inside the recording studio as I wait for the signal of Teddy oppa so that I can finally start singing.

I'm nervous, but I didn't let it show by keeping a blank expression to stop them from teasing me because this is my first time recording a song that's made by me and will be sung by me in front of other people.

When Teddy oppa finally lifted his hands up to show me a thumbs up, that's when I started singing while my hands are touching my headphones as I sang my heart out.

Finally, I'm here. Outside, breathing.

Are you proud? I'm finally moving on, to another chapter of my life.

Even without you, I'm here, still standing.

I wrote my part in the song for about 20 minutes this morning. It was a wrong move because I just kept on puking words without even thinking if it makes any sense, but they all congratulated me for writing wonderful lyrics.

I was actually surprised because I wrote those lyrics having my mother, ex members and my current members and friends in mind. I know it's nothing fancy, but I wanted to let them know that despite being knocked down a lot of times, I'm still here.

And I can't wait to make them proud of what I will achieve. It's hard that I have to let go and lose people to be where I am today, but it's part of growing up.

But, my question was, why do we have to get hurt in order to grow up? Why can't we just be happy always?

I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with me because of my weird mindset, but people can also grow without the need to be hurt by the people they treat as family, without losing important people in their lives and without being torn apart for a lot of times.

I know I'm just a teenager, I know many won't like my ideas, but I've been through so much to the point I just want to rest forever.

I know I'm only sixteen years old, but I just hope nobody would tell me that what I experienced means nothing, because it meant so much to me, because I grew up feeling pain, being tired and being compared everyday.

And I've been judged by being happy by just receiving a simple compliment a lot of times already. But what can I do if I grow up with that kind of environment? It was as if, I was born to be a puppet for the upper people to control me.

Sometimes, I don't even know if the Stella Kim I am today is really the Stella Kim I would've been if only I have control with my life.

"And done!" Teddy oppa said so I gave him a smile before heading out.

"I remembered when you were still a kid, you would always have your tongue twisted whenever you rap, but now, you're really good." he complimented making me hide my face using my hands.

My hands are stone cold, and my legs felt like jelly but despite being nervous, the excitement is there, because finally! I'm here.

"You did that all in one take, I'm proud." Jiyong sunbaenim said before ruffling my hair as I stood in my position, frozen because of what he said.

Wow. So that's what it feels like to have someone proud of you.

It feels weird yet amazing at the same time.

"let's take a selfie and I'll post it as a teaser for our upcoming song," he said and without any warning he grabbed me before I saw a flash coming from his phone.