nothing near clarity

chapter 22

모든 것이 잘 될 것이라

Today was the day. He's finally coming home after his quarantine. The long wait was over, but I didn't miss him that much cause we basically talked to each other all the damn time. And Haruto really surprised me 'cause everytime I wake up at 6 am, there's a message that's from him to greet me, and I was touched 'cause from what I heard he was never an early bird.

And now, my phone's been buzzing from time to time because Junkyu kept on teasing me saying he knew what me and Ruto talked about, though I don't believe him. Because knowing Ruto, he'll never open his mouth about what's going on inside our chat box.

It was just Junkyu saying it, hoping he could get any information from me. And aside from that, he kept on telling me to watch his cover of Best Part since I actually never had the time to watch it yet. And I don't even have a twitter account, so how can I watch it?

So, I got a different video from him and now instead of focusing in class, I'm just listening to his song while secretly watching the video under my desk.

You don't know, babe
When you hold me
You kiss me slowly
it's the sweetest thing

And it don't change
if I have it my way
you would know that
you are

I bit my lower lip as I stopped myself from squealing. He's so... he's so freaking ethereal. How can someone be so perfect? And his voice, his emotion. It's all so good, and the lyrics' making my heart hurt but in a good way.

But that stopped when the video come to an end. His smile looks so fond, so sweet, as if he was so happy. It's the happiest I've seen him. And I can feel my heart doing a back flip because of that billion dollar smile he just gave me.

But then I remembered that all of these mean nothing. I hate myself because there's this part in me that's hoping he could like me back, but it was so impossible to happen. I'm just a little sister in his eyes. But there's still a part in me that's happy because he only sees me as a younger sister.

I hate myself for being so selfish. I kept on telling myself that I only focus on my dream of debuting inside my very own fable, not knowing that I was also hoping for another thing, and that is to be liked back by the first person I ever had a crush on.

It was weird, for a girl like me to think this way. But maybe it was because I was deprived of the love I wanted, making me want to receive it from everybody I know. But it still sound so childish and selfish.

Why can't I just admit that I also hope that Junkyu would like me too? What is wrong with it? It's natural for us to feel this way, right?

I let out a deep sigh before running my fingers through my hair.

Damn.

I'm really complicated.

Even after class, I was like floating in the air, I couldn't do anything. I was like a zombie that's just walking.

"Ms. Kim!"

I stopped on my tracks when someone tapped my shoulder, making me to look behind my back. It was a teacher from the Music Department. I knew her since she became my teacher too.

"Yes, Ms. Sy?" I asked her, before giving out a smile, making it look genuine despite it being fake.

"Can you hand this to the Dance Department? You see, I'm running late. And you're from that department now, right?" she asked and I nodded.

"Please bring this to Ms. Go, thankyou so much." he said before giving me some papers and then rushing off making me scoff.

I'm from the dance department, but I'm already far from its building. I wanna go home, but it looks like I still need to go back and bring this there.