nothing near clarity

chapter 59

idk if yall still remember hanbyul's past team members, ex: minjee and jia who participated in blackmailing someone before since its kinda needed in this chapter, also i  realized  that i messed up the numbers in the chapter but im already editing it, so yeah i hope yall enjoy reading <3

tw: suicide attempt

chapter 59

It's been a few minutes now ever since Jeongwoo left, and I was left alone with Haruto who still hasn't said anything. We were both quiet as we are seated in one of the benches here in this small park. It was a good thing that there were lamp posts, in that way, it wasn't so dark here. And I was able to stare at his face that I haven't been able to see the way I used to see him almost everyday. How did we even end up like this? We were so happy not so long ago. I really thought he was my sure thing. He made me feel that way, and I actually believed him, but why? Why did we end up like this? 

"Stella..." he finally broke the silence, and I just hummed in response, not knowing what to say at all, especially now that he keeps on calling me by my name and not by that endearment he gave me. 

I actually missed being called 'darin' by this man. 

"I don't know where to start. And I'm so scared right now that we're out here in public. What if someone sees us?" 

I heard a cracking sound inside me. How can he be scared? He was able to go out without hiding his identity with the other idol he's rumored to be dating, and now, he's scared to get recognized? Why? Is it because it's me who he's with? Am I not pretty enough for him? Am I really that much of a fucking weirdo for him not want to be seen with me? 

I shook my head. I didn't drink my meds. I'm actually in such a bad state right now, and overthinking while being with Haruto isn't helping at all. I need to get out of here now. I don't think I can compose myself if I stay with him for a few more minutes. 

"Then let's go back to our dorms, sunbae." I told him, and I didn't know if it's just my eyes or if haruto really did show a bit of emotion when I called him sunbae instead of his name. I don't know anymore. I can trust anything anymore, not now when I'm fucking losing my mind. 

I didn't wait for him, and just walked on my own. I'm so fucking scared that he'll see me breakdown. I only want Haruto to see the best side of me. If he sees me breakdown, he might hate me even more. I already hate myself, I don't need another person to feel the same way about me. 

I'm just so sick of everything. 

I'm so fucking tired. 

I hate myself so much. 

Without giving it much of a thought, I decided to run away, as fast as I can just so Haruto won't get near me. I hate that I can't even face him without my heart breaking into tiny bits of pieces. I hate that despite me wanting to have closure, I know I can't talk to him without wanting to cry in his arms. I can't do this shit anymore. I need to drink my meds and just sleep this pain away. 

I only stopped running when I was finally in front of our building's elevator. Instead of choosing the floor to my dorm, I chose the rooftop. 

But then I remembered what me and my therapist talked about from a few days ago.

"Why do I always want to kill myself? Is that normal, doc?"

"No, it's not. But it's not your fault that you think of doing that to yourself, Hanbyul."

"But what can I do when a time comes when I won't be able to stop myself from killing myself?" I asked my therapist as I show her some of the new scars I made on my stomach.