nothing near clarity

chapter 45

chapter 45

I grimaced after I swallowed the pill that helps me sleep at night, not even bothering to get up from bed and get myself a glass of water since I'm already desperate to fall asleep. It's been a while since the last time I visited Mrs. Im, the reason is that she saw progress in me and that I am actually getting better. And that information was of course leaked to my older brother, Hyunjae. It's been a while since I last saw him and my other siblings, but I'm really so busy that even sleeping for 3 hours for me is called a luxury.

I tried to close my eyes, but to my dismay, I really can't sleep. I even tried to imagine a blank word document just so I could fall asleep while imagining myself typing some lyrics there, but it was all no use. My mind wanted to rest, but my eyes doesn't agree with it.

I've been in a lot of stress again lately, maybe that's why my mood's changing and everything's so irritating to me again. I was told by our manager that I need to control my emotions especially now that we're so close to debuting. I'm aware that I need to control my emotions, but sometimes, I can't help but have days like these where everything just drains the hell out of me.

In the end, I found myself outside the dorm, and when I was locking the door, I saw someone going out of Treasure sunbaenim's dorm too. Who could that be? And to my surprise, it was him. No way. If I was a hopeless romantic I would've thought of this encounter as destiny's plan for the both of us. Because come on now, out of all the members, why did it have to be him who I have to meet at this moment? Add the fact that we're literally doing something we shouldn't.

When our eyes locked, that's when I saw his shocked expression. I quickly look away and just bowed to show my respect for him. I just hope he won't come near me or else I'll die from embarrassment. I don't even know how we ended up this way. We were already close, then all of a sudden, we're acting like we're total strangers. It didn't feel right though, since Haruto and I never had trouble getting close with each other, so what's happening right now is something I don't want to handle at all.

As I was walking, I was shocked when he suddenly bumped into me in a joking manner. We're both wearing face masks and caps and even with the little amount of light we have, I can still see his eyes turning into crescents making me know that he's smiling right now.

I stopped on my tracks as I look at him. Fuck, I miss this... so much.

"I don't like hanging out with a snob sunbae," I joked, and Haruto acted as if he was offended but I heard him chuckling after. Why is it so easy for us to act as if nothing was wrong? Why is it so easy for us to act like we're best buddies after ignoring each other for so many days? And... why am I letting this happen? There are too many questions running inside my head, but they were all forgotten when I felt Haruto's hand holding mine.

There he goes again. Doing something that I know doesn't have any meaning for him, but here I am almost falling down just because we're holding hands right now.

"Let's go to a convenience store, let's buy snacks then let's head to dorm's rooftop," Haruto said, and I agreed since it was a good idea. Besides, the dorm's rooftop isn't visited by many people, but it really is a good place for star gazing.

Just the idea of me and Haruto eating snacks at the rooftop while looking at the night sky full of twinkling stars just makes my cheeks heat up, what more when we're finally actually doing the image I have inside my head?

"What do you like best?" I ask Haruto as I place a banana milk in my left hand while the strawberry milk in my right hand. We are finally inside the convenience store, and just buying some snacks we could eat.