nothing near clarity

chapter 29

마음이 너무 아파

Trust. It has always been what I value, it was something I never gave anybody, but once I did, I trust them with my whole being. It was so hard to find people who are real and are genuine with what they show you, especially in this industry. I was born in a family where communication really isn't present, so secrets and inner pain were kept to ourselves.

And my mother always reminded me to not be so friendly. I was a girl who craved affection so much, I wanted someone to talk to me, hug me or even just listen to me. It was something not given to me ever since I was young. I was taught to listen and follow orders. I was taught to only obey, so having friends who would love to listen to my stories really mean a lot to me. I treat them like family, since I basically don't know if my real family can still be called my family after all the issues we had.

One of the few people I trust who's working in this industry, or sort of connected in this industry is none other than my manager. I trusted her with my whole life, she was like a mother figure to me. She was there during my worst days and even the happy ones. She was just always there, and I was so scared that what if she was only there because my brother had her tasked to spy over me?

I couldn't accept the fact that someone like her can betray me like this. She knew how I hated being lied to, how I hated someone doing bad things behind my back, but she still did it.

Because of what she did, it made me think of things. What if my new found friends like the S Squad betray me too? YG entertainment told us to never reveal ourselves to other people, especially to other idols if we are still trainees. But I still did. Although they caught me, still. I was wrong, I did something bad.

And another thing was what me and Eunkyung eonnie did back in SOPA. I'm so scared because what if a student decides to tell everybody of what happened back then? Like how me and Eunkyung eonnie just sat at the center table alongside two YG idols. It was like telling everybody that we were YG trainees, but without any confirmations of course.

It was supposed to be a secret. Our company has always been very secretive of their trainees, and they tried to hide my identity even though it was hard since I'm a daughter of two powerful and well-known people, especially my mom who's very known in Korea back in the days. But they found out who I am. The question is, how? Where do they get all the information?

The media found out about me and Nari eonnie and some other trainees who I trained with but they already left the company. It was so scary, because our company made sure to keep us a secret, so how?

I was then cut off from my train of thoughts when I felt someone slowly nudging me. I faced that person and was shocked to see him so early in the morning. I was inside the YG cafeteria while waiting for my members to come. I left earlier than usual and even told my members to just eat in the cafeteria since I was so tired to cook for them. I also wanted to add that I wouldn't be able to go to the YG café since it was already open for the public, it was called "The SameE." It would serve as the fans' place to sit and chill while waiting for the idols.

It was sad that even the café I was so used to going to ever since also changed. It was my own little haven, it was the place where I felt safe and at ease. It was almost home to me, but everything changed in just a blink of an eye.

"A penny for your thoughts?" His deep voice that spoke in English made me focus on him. There was something about him and the English language that I couldn't quite decipher. It made me feel weird but at the same time, I found him speaking in English really really pretty. Despite him not being fluent, his accent still is nice to listen to.