Disproportion || BTS

38. Chapter

It was the morning before Christmas. Namjoon had left yesterday to visit his parents. I guess I shouldn't have bothered since I broke up. The other members were also using the holidays to visit their loved ones - and me? Yeah, apparently I still lived with my parents. It made me sad to not be able to celebrate with my friends. I was 18 and yet I'd never done anything else than spend Christmas at home, all dolled up for my mom. Back then - I hadn't mind. My wishes had been material - maybe not always easy to fulfill - but realistic. But at one point of my life that had changed.

The radio on the console next to me switched to another carol and my mom started to sing along. She'd had a really pretty voice once, but I guess she hadn't watched out for it enough - too much yelling and speaking during sickness had made her singing hoarse. We stopped in front of the DIY store and got out of the car.. "Please look for yellow candles", mom told me and we separated.

When I entered the store I was greeted by Mariah Carey singing 'All I want for Christmas is you' at full volume. My eyes darted to the loudspeaker hung at the ceiling and if looks could kill it would've melted under my gaze. I sighed as I walked towards the section where I suspected the candles.This year I was already done with the festive mood. I had been from the moment on, that I had told RM that I didn't love him enough, that we didn't fit together well enough.

All I wanted for Christmas was Hoseok. I could say it aloud here since nobody was capable of invading my mind. It had taken me so long to be true to myself and admit that I loved my best friend. Namjoon would hurt so much if he knew. I had broken up with him because of another man. It sounds so cruel but staying with him would have been worse. After all, I still think I made the right decision because I felt like I was betraying him. And gosh I had been unfair to him for the longest time, he deserved better. I loved him but our relationship just wasn't, it wasn't as I had imagined it to be - no matter how hard we tried.

Now I was alone again. That wasn't exactly better for me but probably for the others.

I spotted some Christmas tree candles on the shelf ahead of me and hurried up to get them. Kjdjfjdjdmdsssweee which ones should I take? Why did they have so many different yellow candles?! Yah, just take one Dea! Your mom will be mad if you drag her here to decide. I quickly grabbed a package of 12 and left the aisle before I could change my mind.

Ah back to the topic. Logic explains that I couldn't just get together with Hoseok now although he had said he loved me. Namjoonie and him were like brothers and I didn't want to bring them apart. Still some irrational part of me hoped that Hoseok and I could be more than just friends. Maybe later. I had been caught in my own lie and now that I had started sorting it out I was determined to continue until the end. That meant confessing to Hobi and the mere thought surfaced more emotions than my face could express.

I breathed in sharply and pushed the mission to the back of my mind. Then I strolled through the store some more. When I didn't find my mom I started to look for twinkle lights. They were cute. That was reason enough to spend money and it was Christmas... I could decorate them with the several polaroids Jin and Jimin had given me for graduation. I picked a pack that said "eXtra long!!!" and headed towards the exit. I put everything on the conveyor and paid. The cashier handed me back my change and I smiled at her politely. "Have a nice Christmas!" Hopefully she would have. And the boys too, Namjoon too. I seriously hoped that his friends would be able to distract him from our break-up.

Soon after my mom left the DIY store and we drove home together in silence.

- - - - -

Three hours.

Time passed so slowly when you were anticipating something. I took out my phone and shot a picture of the sparkling lights. Then I edited it and posted it on Instagram tagging Jin and Jimin. Write a caption... I typed, "I wish you all a merry Christmas!" and hit Share.