Kim Namjoon -introduction-
2.25 am. 12/26/2015
saddest Christmas
Hello,
it's Namjoon here!
Are you all updated on the story? Dea and I broke up. I wonder; Should I pretend that I was the one that made the first step to seem more masculine? Less vulnerable? It doesn't really matter anymore, because my heart is sprawled out in broken pieces, like sharp glass shards shattered on the floor after you dropped your favourite champagne flute (that you used to press your lips against daily). That's exactly what it feels like - a stinging pain in my chest. She was mine and now she no longer is. It makes me wonder if Dea ever was into me with her whole heart. What exactly was I to her?
They cannot hide it. Hoseok and the girl both suck at covering their feelings, but I of course was too blindly in love to notice. It makes me mad at myself, and at her. Why would she?; betray me like that? It's not like I was any easier to get than the dancer nor am I the type to skip right to sex. Hoseok basically throws himself at her every chance given so why did she play with me like this? You know, it's all the little events, that I have ignored before that add up now. It's as if I'm putting together a jigsaw puzzle in my head.
Choosing to spend lunch break with him instead of me, and I gave her the freedom to do so. Never really approaching me when something was up, but running straight into his arms. I have to remember myself that Dea is what could be considered depressed. B̶u̶t̶ s̶h̶e̶ n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ w̶a̶s̶ d̶i̶a̶g̶n̶o̶s̶e̶d̶ b̶y̶ a̶ d̶o̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ s̶o̶ s̶h̶e̶ m̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ a̶s̶ w̶e̶l̶l̶ s̶u̶f̶f̶e̶r̶ f̶r̶o̶m̶ a̶n̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ d̶i̶s̶o̶r̶d̶e̶r̶. I̶n̶ m̶y̶ a̶n̶g̶e̶r̶ a̶n̶d̶ h̶u̶r̶t̶ I̶ m̶a̶y̶ g̶o̶ a̶s̶ f̶a̶r̶ a̶s̶ t̶o̶ c̶a̶l̶l̶ h̶e̶r̶ b̶o̶r̶d̶e̶r̶l̶i̶n̶e̶ c̶r̶a̶z̶y̶. I̶ w̶a̶n̶t̶ t̶o̶ e̶m̶p̶h̶a̶s̶i̶z̶e̶, t̶h̶a̶t̶ w̶h̶e̶n̶ y̶o̶u̶ a̶n̶a̶l̶y̶z̶e̶ i̶t̶, y̶o̶u̶ w̶i̶l̶l̶ s̶e̶e̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ i̶s̶ s̶o̶m̶e̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ w̶r̶o̶n̶g̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶ h̶e̶r̶ b̶e̶h̶a̶v̶i̶o̶u̶r̶. A̶n̶d̶ i̶t̶ m̶o̶s̶t̶ l̶i̶k̶e̶l̶y̶ h̶a̶s̶ a̶ p̶a̶t̶t̶e̶r̶n̶.
If she'd just let me help, but I can't force myself onto her. Not right now.
It aches when I just look at my g̶i̶r̶l̶f̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d̶ ex-girlfriend. She made such a mess. I am a mess too, because of her. 'Dea', I can't say that word with hatred, only with sorrow and the desperation of an unrequited love. I feel utterly fucked up and I don't know how to cure this chaos. The girl caught me with my guard down and waved me into her tangled web. And now it already was way too tight to wiggle out of it.. Oh - shit - just shit.
- - - - -
Promise that you will listen now;
Stay away if you can because our girl is not who you think.
It's wonderful to be around her. Her presence is like a drug you take. It makes you feel light headed and bubbling with happiness.
Run as fast as you can because our girl is addicting.
Do you know what it feels to come down from that temporary high? It's like falling from a skyscraper by accident. Then the hard slap of concrete blows your mind. You wake up hooked to several devices in a hospital (if you survive) and come back to reality rather ferociously.
Leave while you still can because our girl is toxic.
I hope you got the warning and had a nice time celebrating. I will be back to Seoul (dorm) way too soon, because we have to attend a radio podcast. If only I could reside here, but Idol life calls. Maybe if Bang Shi Hyuk PD asked me now, I'd go solo.
Namjoon,
from my family's house in Seoul
YOU ARE READING
Disproportion || BTS
FanfictionLeave while you still can because our girl is toxic. Run as fast as you can because our girl is addicting. Stay away if you can because our girl is not who you think.
