Disproportion || BTS

29. Chapter

POV: Namjoon

What kind of twisted game were we playing? She kept running, we kept chasing.

The sky darkens and the seasons wander, only change remains. I’ve got nothing in my hands. Not even her, she's slipping away from my grasp disappearing into the wet grass, of an illusional dream.

I was the boy refusing to give up, my love that I had found. But every time she hid, she broke the bond. Kept searching for a a way to get close, reached out but she locked the door. She loved the forest more.

The lack of communication, left me dreaming of an timeless train station. Every train that I repeatedly missed, shattered me until I kissed, the ground, it hit so hard. Started questioning, started doubting who I was.

I strolled through the woods. Every now and then I yelled out Dea’s name but it seemed hopeless. Maybe I should have sent J-Hope to search for her. The two of them stuck together like glue. When we’d gotten together it had been kind of hard to separate them. And then she finally made me her priority which drove the other man crazy in envy. So.. I don't know. I sighed and focused on my whereabouts. Wondering what could have been didn't bring me any further.

The trail ended and I shouted for the girl again. Then I made the decision to just look for her at our place. If she didn't want to be found that wouldn't be a great place to hide but maybe she wanted to be found. I pushed the branches out of my face and strut forward. Dea wasn't there either. It was as if she'd disappeared from the  ground.

Maybe we should get a dog to keep in our house. They made great pets and if you trained them properly they could find substances by smell. And in our case it would be absolutely useful to have a dog who can find humans because my girlfriend kept running away. I bit my lip, saying it like that it sounded horrible. A girlfriend who keeps running away from her boyfriend.. alone that sentence left a bitter taste in my mouth. It wasn't the way it came across, I knew, but still.

I sat down on the tree trunk and cupped my chin in my hands. Doubt flooded my consciousness. I couldn't comfort her. I couldn't find her. In conclusion I just couldn't handle her. I had thought I could. Her constant mood swings and mental illness but maybe it just wasn't right as I felt myself breaking under the responsibility.  And although no doctor had confirmed it, I was certain that her psyche was damaged.

But I had my own demons and they got all of me. How could I love someone else.. give someone else all of me? W--when I didn't even love myself.? All the wrongs I thought I could turn right. It was an endless fight. If you cannot trust yourself who will trust you? Can you trust anyone if you cannot trust yourself?

I sat there thinking for some more time until a rustling startled me out of my daze. With a big leap I jumped from the wood and hurried into the direction. “Dea!”, I yelled through the horn I had formed with my hands. “Namjoon?”, a high pitched voice returned. Yass! Quickly I rushed into the direction of the hushed noises. I could make out her stormy blue spaghetti strap top peaking through the leaves. That was the disadvantage of summer.. everything grew and you didn't see very far in the forest.

She fell into my arms. “Thank you for looking for me, Namjoon”, the girl said insistent and made eye contact. I smiled back softly and kissed her, applying firm pressure onto her lips. Far to fast she pulled away and said that we should go back. I don't know why but I had the feeling she never let me deepen a kiss. There was a certain distance between us when it came to sexual things. Yeah, yeah she was still 17 and trust me the last thing I wanted to do was to rush things, but I didn't want to wait forever either.

I sighed and stretched my hand out for her to grab. Her fingers wrapped around mine and a peck was placed on my cheek. “Let's go”, I meant in a sad mood. We didn't talk on the way out like we should have. Plenty of topics were on the discussion list but neither of us had an interest in speaking up.

Some time later, at the crossing, I remembered that I should call the others, and noticed that I had my phone on airplane mode. When I switched on mobile network a message from Yoongi hyung popped up.

Went home. Did you find her?

Yes. She's fine
(I think)

I put the device back into my pocket and gazed at my girlfriend. She hugged me shortly, “I’m going home”, and turned on her heel. What? My hand reached out and pulled her back by her wrist. I forced my lips onto hers and invaded her mouth with my tongue. My hands ran up to her neck, pulled her closer, in hope to get a response. Plumply she pulled away. “I’m going home now, Joonie. I’m tired…”, she stepped away from me and my grip fell from her.

I watched her walk away and felt tears swelling up. After swallowing hard I fought back my instinct to cry and trudged home in the summer heat.