Disproportion || BTS

39. Chapter

Dear Diary,

when I was younger (ridiculous to word it like this, because I'm not going to get old) I enjoyed coming up with ways to kill myself. I'm not sure why I am writing this now but you know some demons never leave.

My Austrian friends and I had turned it into a game. As soon-to-be chemists we thought it was pretty fun discussing what chemicals would make you suffer most, kill you fast, die pretty or rot miserably. It was fun. A particular friend and I often talked about bridges. He thought it would be cool to jump from a motorway bridge and land on a racing car, like a fly that gets smashed against the windscreen. I never was fond of the idea, I didn't want to harm any more people. My fascination laid with what I consider a real bridge - a bridge over water. I like water. It's two faced just like me. Water doesn't necessarily want to harm people, yet it does and it doesn't even feel remorse. I wish I could be like water. Water is simple (not chemically though, look up the anomaly of water!)

Perhaps drowning is not a peaceful way to die, if you aspire to live at least. But once the oxygen is pressed out of your lungs and you lose consciousness (after swallowing water) I suppose you don't feel anything or a sense of disoriented euphoria. Jumping off a bridge however is not my first choice anymore – although if the bridge is very high it's a way to make sure you die. Your ribs will fracture from the impact with the hard surface of the stream beneath you or you'll die from various other injuries. It's not a method that will leave your corpse pretty. No, not at all. If you don't get fished out fast enough, crabs may start to eat your eyeballs and then your cheeks.

Imagine the smell of foul rotten flesh soaked with water and sea-weed. A body lifeless and pale, two dark holes where the eyes are supposed to be. Eww, no! Even if I don't believe that I will be able to see myself when I am dead, the thought disgusts me. My stomach turns when I think of the smell of fish that has been in the bio-waste container for too long because my dad forgot to put it outside so the garbage disposal could collect it. It would be so much worse. I can't put my family through that.

When my poor health had required me to take a lot of meds, the thought of overdosing had crossed my mind more often than just once. Just to feel a little numb and lighter. I never did, because drug abuse felt morally wrong. Absolutely wrong. I don't even care anymore. What's it gonna be?

As a former chemist in training there are a lot of illegal substances that I would like to try, but I have to remind myself that I want to die and not get high. Morphine is meant to numb the pain perfectly, and it occurs naturally in Papaver somniferum, more straight forward; opium poppy. I think it's quite interesting, but so are psychoactive substances...

Benzodiazepine would be my favourite choice. I don't need an exciting death; my life has been exciting enough. Sleeping pills mixed with... alright. They are common for drug abuse, right? Many people can get them with a prescription. The doctor had given them to Hoseok when he'd tried to get out of the contract with BigHit; and I know he never stopped taking them afterwards.

So I don't know. I should probably go to sleep now.