Disproportion || BTS

28. Chapter

POV: Dea

I fiddled with my hands nervously before clicking the mouse once. The e-mail I (actually RM) had received from the the writing contest team opened.

From: evaluationteam_sswc15@yahoo.kr
To: 19rap94monster@gmail.com
Subject: Seoul Schools Writing Contest, placement

Dear Kim Namjoon!

Taek Dea from your school sent in a great story to the local writing contest. We are sorry to say that her writing isn't what we are looking for.

All participants receive a certificate from us. Please print out the document, sign and hand it over to your student in class!

We hope your school will send in more highly appreciated stories next year.

TaekDea81_sswc15.pdf

Namjoon opened the attachment and I was already tense. Tears started to form in my eyes. I was in 81st place. I just wasn't good enough! Maybe I would never be. My fingers gripped onto the edge of the table while I tried hard not to cry. Eighty-one (81) wasn't such a bad score out of six hundred twenty-five (625). It just wasn't enough.

My boyfriend pulled me back against his chest. I turned around to him and looked at him with red rimmed eyes.  My teacher wrapped his strong arms around me and I buried my nose in his shoulder. “Shh, it's fine”, he tried to soothe me while letting me cry. “Of course it is”, I sobbed. It wasn't. It totally wasn't. I wasn't fine. The older lifted up my chin and placed a soft kiss on my swollen lips. Gently he caressed my cheek and I smiled at him weakly. He returned the gesture.

“See? It's alright. And don't forget we still have our song.”, he wanted to cheer me up. The rapper was right. His lyrics were always stunning but suddenly I feared that I had ruined everything by mixing our ideas up. It wasn't just imagination anymore, I had proof that others would always do better than me. Namjoon could do better than me. I started shaking again and tears streamed down my face until there were no left to cry. He could do so much better.

“I need to get some fresh air.”, I meant absent-mindedly and rushed out of the Mon Studio before it's owner could argue. The front door slammed shut and I heard someone yelling after me. Probably Yoongi. God, was I tired! I closed my eyes for a short moment while running down the street. Don't worry I’ve perfected this habit so I never trip. I sped past the neatly built houses towards the traffic light wanting to pass before it turned red. It did. Turn red, I mean. Footsteps got closer and I just ran because I didn't see a car coming.

Where was I going? Into the woods. It might be foolish because it was Namjoons hide away and thus he might find me but I didn't care. The nature calmed me and the forest was the only 'untouched’ area close to home. I passed by the school building not skipping a beat to look at it and stormed down the road.

The scent of trees welcomed me and I almost stepped onto several flowers. Trying not to was like a parkour. My energy resources were used, the glucose in my legs - burnt. I slowed down to catch my breath but kept running anyway. That's what they teach you in BE. ‘Don't stop running abruptly.' And they might explain it in physics….

School was necessary and I enjoyed knowing these things. I really did. But school never prepared you for life enough. And in some cases (mine) it didn't even bring you any closer to your dreams. Indeed for years it had felt as if it pushed them away further and further until I had lost sight of them. My world had turned gray. They argue you should have dreams.Bangtan Sonyeondan says it's okay to not have dreams. It is, but the feeling of having them and not being able to achieve any of them is not. Wasted time - that's what my life had felt like for more than two years. I had given up my dreams and myself.

I did some breathing exercises and halted completely. When I looked around I noticed that I didn't know the way anymore. 'This isn't good! This isn't good! What am I gonna do? No! Nooo!’, I started to stress. It took me quite a while to calm myself down. After panicking, crying, blaming and punishing myself I was too tired to do anything productive anymore. It probably was still morning, around 13 o’clock maybe? And my stomach growled so I thought I’d search for something to eat. I mean why not? Even if I got ill it’d be justified.

I didn't find anything. What had I expected? Toxic or sickening food would have been too much of a blessing. A whimper slipped from my lips and I started to look for a comfortable place where I could nap. Right now my rational thinking was switched off but I could tell that it would be better to just wait.  Maybe they’d find me. Maybe they’d look for me. I couldn't make the decision for them, whether they wanted me in their lives or not.

The weather was hot today and therefore it was still warm under the heavy shadows of the old trees. I’d found a mole with bog and it was perfect. My legs pulled up tightly to my chest, curled up like a ball, I fell asleep.

POV: Yoongi

I saw the girl storming out of the house when I had just washed my hands in the kitchen. Quickly I dropped the towel, slipped into my shoes and chased after her. I regretted not working out more, out of all I probably was the slowest. The girl picked up speed but then stopped abruptly, which gave me the chance to catch up. “Dea”, I tried to yell out but my breath was too short. However she must have sensed my presence because she ran over the street without even properly checking the traffic.

I wondered if she would ever stop running from us. A car drove by right in front of my nose so I had to wait before I could haste after her. “Yoongi!”, someone called out behind me and I turned around to see my members. “I missed her. She crossed the street right before the vehicles pooled into it”, I explained as fast as possible. Namjoon ordered that we would split up in a way that every team would have a phone.

“Jimin?” The boy nodded and raised his phone. Taeseok had to team up because we wanted JK, the fastest runner, to go solo. The light jumped from green to read and we all ran into different directions without any further declaration. Jiminie and I tugged along to RM for some time and then decided to check the school building.

“I--I don't think she's he-here hyung”, Jiminie stuttered quietly. I was running around the campus yelling desperately, throwing aside tarpaulins that were draped over the garden stools. Why had this happened again?!!! I had given myself the promise to protect her! Why didn't I? Why couldn't I? I should have known.. It was a mistake to respect the fucking traffic light.

“Hey, it's okay”, Jimin meant and put his hand on my shoulder. I turned around to him in anger. “It's not fucking okay, Jiminie! It is not.” I started shaking and muttered, “I couldn't protect her.. again. I promised I would.”

The younger wrapped his arms around me and sank onto his knees beside me. Soft sobs shook my body and my hands were shaking like crazy. I clenched my fists and buried my face in them. Jiminie stroke my back and I sat up to bury my face in his neck. Tears streamed down my cheeks as we hugged. The boy circled my back and mumbled things but I couldn't listen.

Why? Why? Why? “Why Jiminie? Why? I thought I could help her but now I lost her… How did I even get the idea I was enough to do so..? I couldn't protect her again, to blind to notice what was going on. I still don't know… “, the words fell from my lips almost inaudible. “It's not your fault.”, the younger replied weakly. His tone was sad and I realized that he felt similar. He was also blaming himself but this got us nowhere.

“It's not our fault.” “It's not our fault”, he repeated after me as if it would help him believe. I straightened up and pulled Jiminie to his feet. “Let's go home. She isn't here.” He nodded and pressed his soft lips against mine. Hand in hand we walked back home.

- - - - -

Jimin called the others telling them. JK also decided to give up. He sounded exhausted, telling us he’d been running around every road downtown. I had the feeling RM had a trail... He was the only one who hadn't picked up the phone. He was the only one who knew what had happened. Namjoon would make it right again.

We would find her. We would fight for her. We would fight for us.