Disproportion || BTS

32. Chapter

POV: Hoseok

I’d been sitting over some lyrics for quite a while  now but none of my efforts to write another verse paid off. My mind kept winding back to Dea like a broken cassette.

I missed every single one of our touches. W-- when we were alone. The time Dea hadn't fallen in love with the other rapper, yet. We used to just go out and have fun. We used to seek comfort and affection in each other, and it was okay. We still do I guess, but it's no longer okay. Our relationship on the outside had signaled that we were more than just friends. Now of course that had to stop.

I had to keep my hands from sneaking around her waist, caressing her soft skin. Holding hands? - No more. It was hard to ignore this craving for her warmth. A--A-nd for a girlfriend. Because aren't all these interactions what you would usually do with your partner? - Definitely not with your ordinary friends.. So as soon as she moved to our school we wanted to show our relationship status. Previously both single!

The years before we just hadn't cared. People didn't know us, didn't care. Neither of us had gotten romantic offers but we had had another. It had kept all the guys beautifully away from my girl. But with the new situation, I knew what I had been doing and started to hide it. For the sake of reputation and honour, common routine became a secret. And I missed the old days. Now these interactions were packed into small  time spans and it seemed to intensify. The simple thought made my nerves tingle.

I couldn't deny that I loved her. Trust me - I had tried. Looking for an explanation, the only thing that had came to my mind, was that I must have been so used to everything that I hadn't noticed when I had developed deeper feelings. It felt as if it was too late now.  Jealousy of Namjoon was eating me alive and I hated what it did to me. I did want him to be happy but I was also selfish. My happiness wasn't dependant on her, I hoped. Still, it hurt to see them together. If you truly love her, let her go. If you love someone you will only wish the best for them whatever happens. True. But if she were happy, if she were satisfied she wouldn't come to me every week, would she?

Why did she keep running back to me, betraying her boyfriend? It wasn't able to be fine. And I used her indecisiveness…

It couldn't go on like this. There were only two correct options a) confess or b) break it, leave her and avoid her. C) would have been to just continue stealing moments, simply ignoring my remorse, and that wasn't right.

But I was anxious. I didn't want to lose her and the possibility existed either way. God, all of this, just was a mess. Caught between the lines of not wanting to hurt Namjoon, not wanting to hurt Dea and not wanting myself to get hurt either.

And that is exactly why I had the sick opinion that I would be better for the student. We thought alike. We acted alike. No one knew her better than I did. I knew things about her only a boyfriend would know and that qualified me. Probably it didn't, but I wanted to think that way.

Dea was super sensitive at the skin next to her hip bones on her belly. I had found out when I had accidentally slipped my fingers beneath her waistband while dancing. It gave her goosebumps and she shuddered.

The girl loved to have her hair stroked and purred like a cat if you did so. Also she would scold you if you stopped.

She hated it if you brushed over her ears, there were so many more things. Probably I was oblivious to half of them.

I sighed and tossed my pen aside. Trying to write another line was useless. We had just published an album anyway. There was no reason for me to hurry, on the surface of things. Going deeper there were always reasons to worry, but doing it too much made one sick. Hopefully we would get positive reactions to our promotions. Although we had gained some younger fans with our debut, we knew it wasn't enough. The other generations only believed in our failure. Baepsae.