You're My Home // Bucky Barnes// The Winter Soldier

Chapter 77

As soon as the elevator doors close I slide down the wall and start to ball.

I keep running through everything I was told.

He killed my parents.

He was the reason I had to move in with my aunt and never got to have a proper relationship with Tony or either of my parents.

I never got to see what it was like to have a mother or a father and it was because of him and he didn't even tell me.

I feel like I don't even know him. I started questioning every second of our relationship. That's why every time I brought them up or Tony he was on edge. I should've known he wasn't scared, hell he's the winter soldier how could he be scared of Tony.

I'm stupid. I'm such a fucking moron it's sad. I should've known. I should've talked to him about it sooner.

The elevator doors slide open and I start to walk to my room feeling like I'm in a fever dream. Looking around and feeling like nothing going on is real. Then I see from the corner of my eyes Bucky emerge from where the stairs are and when he looks at me I see how tired he is and his eyes are bloodshot. I rush to my room as he follows behind quickly basically running after me and miraculously I make it in time to close and lock the door.

"Jane!- I just want to talk!"

I slide down the door and feel myself start to cry again.

"J- please. I'm so sorry. I never meant hurt you, I just- I didn't know how to tell you."

I didn't respond I just stayed curled into a ball on the floor.

"Jane! Open the door please!" He says now louder pounding on the door continuously.

"Go away! I can't even look at you!"

"Jane please!" He begs pounding on the door as I cover my ears with my hands trying to block out his desperate cries for me to let him in.

I couldn't bear the sound of him screaming like I've never heard, begging for me to give him any attention.

If someone had told me a month ago that I'd be behind a door refusing to speak to him id call them crazy.

"Please just leave me alone," I say more quietly in almost a whisper as I lay helpless on the floor.

I hear the pounding stop.

I remove my hands from my ears after a second wondering if he left.

"Jane.." he says more quietly.

His voice sounds closer though like he's on the floor now too.

"I'm sorry. You know that wasn't me. I never would've done something like that. I just need you to know that. I need you to know...that I love you so much."

I covered my ears aggressively at the words coming out of his mouth as I silently cry to myself.

I can't listen to him anymore. I get up and go to the balcony with a blanket and close the door as I sit on my chair looking at the dark sky now since it's gotten late.

I couldn't help decode everything from our time together. Is that what Tony would talk to him about when they were alone? Did he tell him to leave me alone? Or did they talk about him leaving?

I felt so drained and utterly shattered.

I didn't know what to think or what to feel. I didn't know what angered me more.

Bucky being the one who killed my parents or that no one told me. How could no one tell me after knowing how deep in it we were? How could they just watch knowing he was the one who took my parents' life?

Most importantly how could he be with me and not tell me? How can he sit and listen to me telling him story's of me and Tony not getting along at first. About the lack of relationship we had due to the fact that I was living with my aunt after my parents died? After what he did. Did he not feel remorse? Did he not care?

How could he kiss me...tell me he loved me all while lying and keeping this from me?

All this thinking was so intense. I felt like my mind was doing endless laps. Like a carousel that never stops turning.

It reminded me of something though. It reminded me of that night months ago where we sat watching the fault in our stars and I asked him if he had any idea why Tony didn't like him. I asked him and he lied to my face. He told me he had no idea.

I don't know how I could possibly move on from this. I just feel like our whole relationship has been a lie. Like I don't truly know him.

The painful words that Steve told me are surfacing in my head.

"How do you know? Do you guys talk about it? Does he tell you what he has to go through with Shuri?"

All those times I thought about talking to him and I didn't because I didn't want to push. I should have said 'fuck it' and pushed him to tell me. I had every right to know what truly happened with my parents.

The fact that everyone and even Tony knew just makes this all worse.
How could he not tell me what happened to our parents?!

I just can't believe everyone on the team was okay with us being together, with me talking to him at all.

Well, ...they weren't but they could've told me flat out why.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is how I still feel about him. Despite being angry and feeling betrayed and questioning who he is, I still love Bucky so much. I understand that it wasn't him who did it which only makes me feel crazy because how could I love someone who killed my parents?

"He's happy with you because you make him happy. You make him forget everything he has to deal with but you're like a drug for him Jane. He indulges in you to numb what's going on in that head of his. He needs to learn how to accept himself and get through what he's going through...without you. Otherwise, he'll never heal properly."

How could I be his drug? Wouldn't it pain him to talk to me after what he did? Or am I just that far off.
One things for sure that I can't seem to forget.
He's leaving and I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad.

I just hate him so much right now. I don't think I could forgive him, as much as I want to.

It's this twisted thing, I don't want to talk to him or look at him right now but the reminder of him leaving makes me want to run out and kiss him and tell him all is forgotten.

That we can spend the rest of our time together and forget about this but that's just not possible.

Then what kind of person would that make me?

I'm definitely crazy.

I guess that's what makes us fit so good. We're both twisted in our own way.