You're My Home // Bucky Barnes// The Winter Soldier

Chapter 84

I waited for what felt like forever until they all got back.

All I saw was their head shake.

That was all I needed to zone them out.

I didn't realize until now that odd feeling in my chest. Like a piece is missing.
A piece that I didn't even realize he filled and now it's like a piece of me is gone.

There's a piece of me that's forever gone now because he's gone.

I look up and just watch as their lips move. They all look at me concerned but I'm not even aware of what they are saying.
It's like the world just slowed down. It's like I'm watching everything in slow motion but I'm moving in real-time.

"Jane?"

"Hm?"

"We looked but it was just...it was too late," Sam says.

"Do you understand what we're telling you?" Steve asks.

I nod but they look at me like I'm crazy.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Nat asks.

"I actually want to be alone," I say looking ahead avoiding their stares of pity.

"Oh-okay."

"Okay," I say getting up and walking away.

The walk to my room and up the elevator was like the other day when I found out Bucky's secret.

It just didn't feel real.

Wait-

Did that happen the other day?
I don't even know what day it is at this point. All these horrible moments are just blurring together.

I got to my floor and instead of going to my room, I went to Buckys. I walked in and shut the door. As soon as I stepped in I could smell his scent. His vanilla smell that I love so much. I sat on his bed and looked to the side to see one of his shirts. I grabbed it and pulled it to my face smelling it. I already miss him, I laid down with the shirt in my arms and broke down in tears.

There I sat. Alone. In the dark.
Silently crying into his shirt.

"I love you too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four weeks later.

I woke up to the dark. I was getting tired of seeing the sun shining through. Mocking me with a beautiful day, the thought that life moves on even though he's not here.

How can I look at the sunlight? Smell the fresh air and look at the brand new day when he doesn't get one.

I've been in my room for the most part these past two weeks. No one seems to mind, they want to give me time to get through this but I don't know how I could. That didn't stop them from pestering me on leaving my room and eating.

Oh yeah. I haven't eaten much these two weeks either. It's not so bad though. At least I can be alone in my room. There's nothing that I hate more than someone trying to help you and you want to be mad over the dumb shit they say to cheer you up but you know they're just worried and truly want to see you get better. That's how it is with the whole team and I don't want to lash out at anyone.

I have been lashing out though, at Wanda at Nat and Steve and Tony. Everyone and I hate myself for it but I couldn't help it so I started spending more time in my room.

I just sit here reminiscing over all those times we spent together. I keep thinking about how I should've told him I loved him more. I should've let Tony take him first but then I probably would've died and I wouldn't want him to go through what I'm going through.
I keep wondering if I had forgiven him then maybe none of this would've happened. If I had just gone and talked to him instead of leaving with Cole. Cole would probably still be alive and so would Bucky.