The Other One | Sirius Black

Chapter 67 - Motorcycles and cars

"You need to leave," Sirius said.

Remus had just come back from a debriefing going over what happened at the McKinnons. He didn't make it in time for the funeral. Moody thought it best not to place everyone in the same area at once the same way they had last night. 'Let's not make the same mistake twice.' Moody had said.

Mistake, Remus thought, was putting the deaths of his two friends lightly.

"Alright, just don't... Kill each other. I'll uh go back to headquarters," he replied with the last thing he wanted to do. His new wounds were aching and all he wanted was some sleep. A momentary get away from his reality. A soundless, timeless, visionless oasis to quench his anxieties and troubles.

Already two steps away from the door, Remus decided walking to the Order would probably help, Sirius clarified, "No... I-I mean, well, you know... You need to move... like Dumbledore said."

Remus looked back at his friend, his body tense and eyes practically shut. Jo stood beside Sirius, lips pursed and with a reddened face.

He shook his head, "Oh... that... I'll get my trunk right now."

He packed his belongings as fast as he could. His body aches were now eclipsed by the rapid beating of his heart and the shallow breaths he was taking. He needed to get out, that's what he'd been told.

Without noticing, a sharp pain flared in the palm of his hand.

"You don't have to hurt yourself. This isn't a race," Jo's voice barely filled the room.

He rubbed his new cut, one that could have been easily preventable had he covered his eighteenth birthday present from James.

"So you guys made up?" He asked, his back facing her as he pretended to find a bandage in the already-empty wardrobe.

"We talked it out. We're fine."

Remus muttered, "That's what you said last time." He found a forgotten letter from Lily hidden in the back of the shelf and quickly put it in his pocket. He sure hoped Jo and Sirius would stop being so oblivious and obstinate with each other.

"Come again?" Jo entered, moving around the bed to see him face to face.

He met her brown eyes, slightly red and glassy, perhaps a side-effect of her discussion with Sirius or the fact that Kate and Marlene were not there to help her anymore.

"Nothing, I'm uh glad you're back together."

"You know... We don't really mean it." She switched her gaze to the floor.

Did they change their minds that fast? Had they settled on being together out of convenience? Remus couldn't understand why Jo would tell him something so personal.

"Huh?" He scratched his head and held his breath.

"I mean that we don't want you to leave but..." There was always a but. In every movie and every book and every song known to man and wizard alike, there was always a but.

He breathed out, "But there's a mole and it could be me or Sirius or you or bloody Moody himself."

"Dumbledore said... He said that you're okay with it. That's the only reason we're even asking. We wouldn't... I would never suspect it to be you, Rem," she blurted out.

Remus began to wonder where Sirius was, if they had agreed to each give their individual goodbyes and he would walk in a couple of minutes later.

"S'alright, Jo. I am okay with it."

They awkwardly stood in front of the wardrobe for a few seconds. He didn't want to leave, not really. But he also couldn't stand feeling unwanted. A feeling he was too accustomed to and wasn't willing to embrace when exhaustion was fogging his mind.

"Well I'm almost done, so if you don't mind I'll--"

Jo's eyes widened with understanding and, from what Jo failed to hide, some panic, "Of course, I'll um I'll let you... finish."

The sound of the door closing signaled to Remus that he could sit on the edge of his bed. Or rather, his former bed, for a few more minutes. His fingers squeezed the enchanted mattress that Euphemia had bought from Diagon Alley the minute he agreed to live with James and Sirius. And the quilt his mother had gifted him in his sixth year, months before she died. The calendar Sirius gave him, of the motorcycles and cars, was still shining brightly on the wall. A spell had been placed around the current day of the month, a small glistening circle around it, now etching a new, undesirable memory for him.

*   *   *   *   *

"If you do need anything, don't be afraid to ask, Mr. Lupin. In the meantime, I'll let you unpack your trunk and settle in."
"Thank you, Headmaster. I apologise for adding another task to your list but I wouldn't want to impose on my father and well you're the only other person who can help."

"But of course, Remus. I should apologise to you for making you relocate. I know you were comfortable with Jo and Sirius and I hate to have broken that up. Alas, we cannot risk another tragedy. Not so soon after what happened to your dear friends."

Remus merely grumbled. It almost sounded like a burp. Remus was glad he didn't let out a cry.

"It's only been a few hours and I'm sure everything is still sinking in. Nevertheless, if you don't mind me asking... How are you?"
Remus shifted uncomfortably, leaning on the cool wall unadorned with Queen posters or magical calendars.

"I'm... getting by, sir. It was unexpected and I think I'm still in shock. Like you said, I'm still processing things."

Dumbledore's eyes looked up from their half-crescent spectacles. A deep blue that vaguely reminded him of his father's. He would have to write to him soon.

The old wizard interrupted the silence, "Well, I give you my condolences. I know how close you and your friends are. It is a terrible, terrible thing to have happened to such a brilliant and loyal family like the McKinnons."

"And Katie, too," Remus whispered. He knew Dumbledore implicitly included her. So did all the others in the headlines and the meetings, but she wasn't a McKinnon. Not yet, anyway. She would have made Marlene change her name to Wolcott. Or they would have compromised with hyphens. Remus almost giggled, deciding they would have just stuck with their own because changing them was ridiculous.

Tears were threatening to spill by the end of his chat with the headmaster. So when Dumbledore finally disapparated from the cold, empty flat, Remus felt relief. He slinked onto the small bed in the corner. He was too tall to lie straight on it. But he couldn't bear to ask Dumbledore for another one so soon after he left, bending his legs instead. As he waited to enter his spaceless recluse, he looked up at the ceiling, checking for a weather-modifying charm when drops rolled down his cheeks. And when there was no charm in sight, the realisation hit him. Kate and Marlene were dead. Just like his mother and the Potters and Regulus. Who knew how many more would die during this war? Such a dreadful question slipped from his concern when, finally, he transcended from his stinging reality to his soundless, timeless, visionless oasis.