Jily Oneshots (pt2)

Between The Aisles

by natalie_ana on archiveofourown.org

1. The Pasta Aisle

James was ready to bury his head into a one of those refrigerators where they stocked the ice creams.

“…just give her a chance! Even Remus thinks she’s all right,” Sirius insisted, tossing a bag of rice into their trolley that James was currently pushing whilst attempting to resist the urge to run his very best friend over with it.

“All right? All right doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence, Padfoot. Especially not after the last nightmare you set me up with.”

“Ashley was not that bad.”

“She said and I quote ‘objectively, Trump has a point’ and then proceeded to not objectively pretty much say she was pro-Trump.”

“Yeah, okay that was bad but it’s not like I can vet girls on every single topic before setting you up with them. I’m a Tinder replacement not MI6.”

“I don’t want a Tinder replacement!” James objected. “If I wanted Tinder, I’d have bloody Tinder.”

“Is this you saying you want Grindr? Because that’s probably going to hurt Emily’s feelings.”

“Jesus Christ, you already set us up, didn’t you?”

“I may or may not have told her about you.”

“Sirius,” James groaned. Nevermind the freezers. He was going to find a pumpkin and throw it at his mate like he were a pin at the end of a bowling alley.

“Shit, what type did Remus want again?” Sirius asked.

“I don’t know, just get anything.”

“Yeah but like did he want the shaky salt or the salt you grind?”

“It’s salt, Sirius, I’m sure the type isn’t going to matter,” James said and Sirius shrugged throwing in three different types because god-forbid Remus have the wrong type of salt. “Why can’t you ever just stay out of my love life?”

“Because it’s non-existent! Because you’re pathetic without my help and you can’t pull for shit.”

“Nice to know you think so highly of me,” James said dryly.

“What is your deal with getting so agitated over this? I’m helping you!”

“And Faith the Faithless was help was it? Or Marie the Toe Fetisher? Or Nora the Racist? Or - or fucking or Belinda the fucking Role-Player? I’m still fucking scarred from that, Sirius. Actual fucking PTSD from that.”

Sirius, the git, laughed. Laughed.

“It’s not fucking funny! She literally came out of the bathroom dressed like a five year old with pigtails and called me ‘daddy’. She wanted me to call her ‘kitten’.”

“And did you, daddy?”

“You’re an arse,” James stated. “Is it too much to ask for mates who don’t set me up on increasingly worse blind dates? Like I’m not broken just because I’m single. I like being single!”

“No one likes being single.”

“You’re single!”

“Fine, correction: no one likes not getting laid! I am on Tinder and have a very healthy sex life. You on the other hand…”

James snorted at that one. He’d caught Sirius and his ‘very healthy sex life’ in the living room too many times to count.

“Look, I wouldn’t care that you were single if you were the type to go out and get laid every once in a while but when you’re single it’s like you’re a bloody monk and I am concerned for you.”