Under The Influence: N 2 Deep

67. Lost & Found

Chris' POV

The flight back to Arizona was long, even though technically it was only an hour flight. Shawnie was on my mind the whole time. Last night was a really good night and we haven't had a night like that in years. Even though someone else was there I was only worried about her and it made me feel like old times. I know we're not gonna get back together, but I still have a little bit of hope that we will.

When we get together like that it fucks with me head. Here I am thinking about possibilities of us getting back together and how things could be. I really feel we could work now. We both are just so much better mentally and I believe it'll work. I know she isn't going for that though, it's just wishful thinking. I have bigger issues to take care of.

I don't know what Jasmine is on. I know she's probably tired of my bullshit and I know it's a lot to deal with me but I kind of feel like she's giving up on me in a way. I care about her but I'm just not ready to take the next step and be in a relationship with her. I know I'm not ready to be in a relationship and I know I'm not forcing myself to be in one, but having her around so much makes me feel like I am already in a relationship with her.

Jasmine and I got into an argument because I was trying to express that to her. She wants to take the next step and she's right in feeling how she feels but I don't feel the same 100%. So while I was telling her that I still want to take things slow and keep things how they are she told me to get off of her phone and never call her again. I know it doesn't help that she's been hearing all of these different rumors about me being out on the road with different women. I'm sure that aided in her decision to stop messing with me.

I know I should call her back and talk to her, it's been a day and even if we don't get back on the right track, I still wanna make things right with her because I don't want her to feel like she did something wrong because truth be told, she did everything right. It's just me. I'm the problem. I'm always the problem and I will probably forever be the  problem.

As long as Shawnie is around and it doesn't matter if she's giving me any play or not, as long as she's around I'm always gonna feel this way about her. I've tried so hard to move on and I tried to wait, but nothing is fixing these feelings I have inside for her. I don't know what it is and honestly I'm sick of it but I just can't shake the feelings that I have for her.

I got to the venue, the sound check, and went right into the show. As soon as I got off the stage, I decided I was going to call Jasmine. After I did my meeting greets, I got on my bus and called her.

"It's late, I have a flight in 4 hours." She answers

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to call you and apologize."

"But what is the point of calling and apologizing when nothing's gonna change? And on top of that, what's the point in calling me now when you spent all day with your baby mama yesterday?"

"I'm not trying to get into all of that." I say

"It doesn't matter if you wanna get into it or not. You got mad and you found out where she was. You flew to her because you were upset with me. I'm almost 100% positive that you fucked her. Why should I keep putting myself in a losing situation with you?"

"It's not like that..."

"Yes it is. It's like that and it's going to continue to be like that. Just like she runs to you every time she has a problem, you run to her too. Don't try to make it seem like it's just her. You're the problem too." She says

"Yeah, I know I'm the problem. I'm always the problem." I mock her. I'm not trying to be an asshole because I know she's right, but damn give me a little bit of slack.