Under The Influence: N 2 Deep

74. Can't Have Everything Pt. 1

Joe's POV

I finally decided to come out of my bedroom. I glance at her door and I see that it is still closed. I see the lights are out. It's late. She is probably asleep. It is 130 am.

After the fight, I went into my room and I sat there for a few minutes trying to cool off. I was pissed off because of how I reacted to Drake and his bullshit. I was disgusted with myself because I don't normally act that way. Normally I keep my emotions in check. Normally that motherfucker doesn't get to me like that, but today I snapped. I didn't mean to react that way. I took some time and meditated to clear my mind and center myself. When I was done, I did some push-ups until my arms felt like noodles. I also did some sit ups and shadow boxing to take my mind off of things. Didn't really help.

Now, having had time to think over the events of the day and reflecting on the Drake situation, I think it's best for me to take some time off. I want to be clear on why I'm upset. When she came to me and told me she was going to see Drake and that they were going to have a talk that day, I thought it was bullshit. I told her that was just an excuse to see her. She didn't believe or listen to me and she went through with it anyway. I went with her and I sat in the living room while she talked to him. When she came out, I asked her what happened and she told me they talked. Her exact word she used was "closure". So why the FUCK would she lie to me about what happened? When has she ever lied to me? I've never been nothing but open and honest with her. Why would she feel like she needs to lie to me? Why would she have sex with him while I was in the next room? I was blindsided when Drake asked me that shit and THAT'S what really set me off, if I'm being honest. Not that she had sex with him but that she lied to me.

I'm getting too close to her, and it's driving me insane. My feelings are becoming stronger and jealousy is creeping in. I don't like the person I was a few hours ago, and I hate that my judgment is getting clouded. I can't continue to be here with her feeling like this. All the shit he put her through and she still ran back to the man over and over again, after building and pausing our evolving relationship. I don't like running away from shit, but I'm scared and I can't handle myself like this.

I walk directly over to her door and I slowly open it. Don't bother knocking because I know she's asleep. I peek in to see she's in bed, under the blanket, just like I thought.

I walk over and sit next to her on her bed.

"Shawnie." I lightly shake her.

She moves for a couple of seconds, then she turns over to face me, opening her eyes.

"Hey." She says

"Wake up, I wanna talk to you." I turn back around, looking down at my hands. I'm a little nervous to have this conversation with her because I don't know how she's going to take it, but it needs to be had.

"What's wrong?" She sits up and leans her back against the headboard. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah...I'm fine...but I wanted to talk to you about what happened earlier."

"Are you going to keep your back turned to me?" She asks

I get on the bed and I sit next to her, leaning against the headboard as well.

"I have a few questions to ask and I want you to be truthful with me."

"Okay." She says

"What happened in that hotel room, at Hard Rock?" I ask calmly. I don't want to show too much emotion because I don't want that to affect my mood. I want to be as calm and level headed as I can right now.

"Oh..." She takes a deep breath and lets it out. "....It was nothing."

"What happened?" I ask again.