Intro:
This feedback is for three works by JeonsBathWater. This chapter will be dedicated to the author. The three works in question are Strictly Professional, Obsedat, and Jocuri Cu Mafia.
P.S. to author: sorry it took so long to vote, I actually hit the vote limit so even though I read the stories, I had to wait to vote 😭
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Long Feedback - Strictly Professional:
The premise is interesting and I see you have a strong sense of creativity. Ashton reminds me a bit of some people I know, so it makes him relatable. Although I am normally not a fan of stories that have very dark themes, I think you handled them well so far, and I think you will continue to handle them well throughout the rest of the story. Your dialogue is formatted very strangely. By that I mean, you put a comma after the quotation marks when you don't need to do that. Here is the correct way to write dialogue:
"Hi," she said.
"You okay?" he asked.
Not:
"You okay?", he asked.
The dialogue tag should be next to the dialogue, not separated. Be careful not to use all caps or multiple exclamation points (at least not in an excessive amount), it can come off as overdramatic. Also, you overuse ellipses (...) and you use them incorrectly; when using dots, you use three and only three, no more, no less. Too many of these feel overdramatic.
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Side Note:
This is so nitpicky I'm sorry, it's just the New Yorker in me. Whenever you're referring to NYC, we capitalize City because we're referring to the City. New York is such a huge state where the City only makes up part of it. Thanks to that and because it's like the most-known city on the planet, we capitalize it when referring to it in particular.
My Korean professor actually explained that we can't use the Korean word for city (도시) when referring to NYC as the City because the City is a proper noun. Just thought that was interesting.
I'm sorry I know that's so small, it's just instinct as a New Yorker 😭
And in general, be careful with capitalization. There were times where words that were not proper nouns were capitalized. Like you capitalized gay a few times when gay is not a proper noun. Intimidating is capitalized, understand is capitalized, big, eyes, etc. Be careful not to capitalize things that aren't proper nouns.
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Summary:
- Interesting premise
- Ashton is a relatable and likable character
- You handled the dark themes well
- Watch dialogue + tags
- Be careful with things that can make the story feel overdramatic (excessive punctuation, all caps, ellipses)
- Watch capitalization
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Long Feedback - Obsedat:
I really enjoyed this right from the beginning. This Y/n is so fun and her POV is hilarious to read. It's engaging, funny, and relatable. I absolutely love how you handled Y/n and the story in general. Jungkook is also entertaining in this story and I enjoyed reading about him. The chapters were short and easy to read but still had plenty of content in them, which is great. I personally prefer stories with shorter chapters (less than 2k words) even though I don't write that way simply because I have a terrible attention span.
The same thing about dialogue applies here. Dialogue tags should be next to the dialogue, dialogue doesn't need to be italicized, and no need for the comma after the quotation marks. There are also some grammar errors, particularly with commas; I'd recommend hiring an editor or using editing software to help. I normally do not recommend Grammarly because it sucks at creative writing, but for the commas and capitalization, it could help you.
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Summary:
- Y/n is handled well
- Jungkook is entertaining
- The chapters are short and to the point
- Same thing about dialogue and ellipses
- Watch grammar and random capitalization
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Long Feedback - Jocuri Cu Mafia:
This is strange to say but I liked the preface with the description of the mafia and everything, it really set the tone for the story and showed you did your research about your chosen topic. It's a small thing, but those small details make the book more immersive, and I appreciate that. Like Obsedat, the chapters were short and to the point, making them easy to read. Remember that proper nouns are capitalized, like English. English is the name of a language.
I love the way you immerse us in the world with the use of different languages, although I would recommend translating because some of the chapters (like "The Signature") have a majority of the dialogue in a different language, which makes it difficult to keep up with. You don't need to translate everything, like you don't need to translate nicknames (for example, in my book Mi Amor, I don't translate mi amor since it's just how Jimin talks to the mc), and I don't think you should get rid of the languages, but some translations would help us understand better. No one wants to switch out of reading and go to Google translate, especially considering Wattpad doesn't let readers copy and paste so we'd have to manually enter what's being said, and that's assuming we even have the correct accents and letters available on our keyboards.
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Summary:
- Interesting preface that shows you did your research
- The chapters are a great length
- You do a good job immersing us in the story
- The use of different languages is unique
- Watch capitalization
- Consider translating the different languages
- Some similar errors as the other two stories; watch dialogue formatting and dialogue tags
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Overall:
Your stories have similar strengths and weaknesses. All three of them are engaging and immerse you in the world. The characters are entertaining despite the dark themes presented. The common weaknesses are the dialogue formatting, the capitalization, and some grammar issues. Creatively, you have great stories. After some tweaks to the technical writing, these stories will be gold. I recommend these stories to anyone looking for interesting plots and characters with dark themes.
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Thank you for submitting your stories. I enjoyed reading through them and I'm glad you had a variety of stories to tell. I can't wait to see what you do with these stories and your future work. I can tell you have lots of ideas floating around your brain, and I hope you keep writing since you have a strong sense of creativity. Good luck with your future works!
More reviews coming soon! If you want any reviews, look at the first chapter for more details.
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