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The Kingmaker - Detailed Feedback

Introduction

The Kingmaker is a high/dark fantasy story written by YouCanCallMeCorn. It features mysteries that unravel as the story progresses, interesting worldbuilding, and a unique plot. It also has poetic descriptions, so if you enjoy those types of stories, you should check this out.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

Having mysteries to unravel throughout the story, whether they be small or large, is something that keeps the reader engaged. There are a few mysteries throughout the narrative that work well for engagement and encourage readers to leave comments trying to put the puzzle pieces together. Their inclusion made the plot feel intriguing, and I did not notice any plot holes.

I can tell you have clear direction. Based on the way the story is structured and moving, I can tell you know where you want the plot and characters to go. That may sound simple, but you'd be surprised how many Wattpad authors have no direction, which makes the stories feel a bit pointless or jumbled. This story does not have that problem, which allows the reader to immerse themselves more in the plot and world.

There's a lot of tension in the story, which is a forgotten art here on Wattpad. The tension allows the reader to invest themselves in the characters, world, themes, and plot. Without tension, the readers don't have much to invest in, so it's a very good trait of your story that you allow there to be tense moments and interactions.

You also have good pacing where the tense moments come at the right times instead of being dropped out of nowhere or not set up at all. If they came too fast, then they would feel cheap and hard to enjoy, but you don't have this problem. A lot of authors do, so that's something you should be proud of.

This is a smaller thing, but it adds to the immersion in the story: the chapter titles are nice. They're immersive without feeling like they intrude too much. They stand out without making the reader spend too much time on them, if that makes sense. I know all too well how difficult it is to come up with chapter titles for longer stories, so even though it is a small thing, I recognize and appreciate that.

You also have an interesting world you're crafting. I am not familiar with the fandom, but from my own research, this seems completely different from what the source material is. I think of that as a good thing. I always encourage authors to be creative and push themselves out of their comfort zone, so I'm glad to see you created a new world with these characters and put them in something different from their home universe.

Not only is that refreshing since this website has a lot of stories that stick to the same types of worlds, but it also gives the reader a unique experience that makes them want to continue the narrative. 

Overall, the story is put together in a cohesive manner that makes it easy for the reader to immerse themselves in the world. The world is the strongest part of the story, but the buildup to certain plot events and character interactions are two highlights as well.

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What Didn't Work:

I agree with what the commenter said in chapter 1 about indicating who is speaking that first line of dialogue.

While I do see what you're saying about how Haizaki does the dragging afterwards, something to keep in mind is that you are the author, so while it may be clear to you, it isn't for readers. 

A few times throughout, there are unclear moments the commenters marked, and you reply saying that a line that comes after clears those moments up, but remember that for you, the author, of course it's clear.