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Fated to be You - Long Feedback

Intro:

Fated to be You was written by sparklet11. Fated to be You follows international sensation Vivian, an actress forced into the spotlight by her picture-perfect family who care more about their image than their daughter's life. On the opposite end is Jolin, a superfan who watches Vivian's every move. However, despite their differences, their journeys are tightly intertwined.

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Long Review

There were some really interesting words and phrases that had me hooked on the story. Right off the bat, in chapter one with the line "...scavenged through the dense forest of reporters..." That part was very interesting and well done. It wasn't over-the-top or tried to do too much at once; you kept your sentences balanced and included good word choice and phrasing whenever you could. I also liked how grocery shopping was described as lethal. Such a powerful word to give weight to the situation most would consider not a big deal, but for Vivian, of course it is.

Vivian is my favorite part of the story. The way you show the life of an idol is gritty and realistic with a great touch of fake perfection from a family that's secretly shattered. They're in denial about the state of their lives, and everything (AKA: their image) can come crashing down at any moment. The way Vivian embodies the feeling of walking on eggshells is engaging and makes for a solid character backstory. Audiences will attach themselves to Vivian right off the bat due to her clear personality traits that immediately stand out to the audience and her engaging emotional background that we can relate to.

I also like Jolin so far, though I am more hooked on Vivian's story. Nothing wrong with Jolin, I just think she's the kind of character that needs more time for the audience to get attached to her, and I'm excited to see what you do with the character! So far, I'm hooked on what her role will be in the story, and my interest is piqued in regards to the kind of person she is.

There are some grammar errors, mostly with dialogue. You include a comma when it isn't needed. For example: "Vivian, we love you! We'll always be there for you!", a creaky voice echoed...

The comma after the quotation mark isn't needed. All you need is one end punctuation for dialogue, not multiple. Some examples: "I missed you," he said. "How are you?" he asked. "Get out!" he shouted. I hope that makes sense.

You sometimes do dialogue tags wrong where you end it with a period. Like: "I don't feel that bad though." Sana remarked. It should be: "I don't feel that bad though," Sana remarked. Since tags are continuations of the dialogue, there's no need to have a period at the end of the dialogue (when using a tag after dialogue).

A more minor error is sometimes you have tense issues where you flip flop between past and present tense incorrectly. Since you're writing in past tense, present tense is used very rarely and in specific cases, like in direct (and typically italicized) character thoughts. The tense issues are more minor but they do happen enough to be noticeable.

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Summary:

- Interesting word choice and phrasing

- Vivian is an engaging protagonist

- Jolin is interesting so far

- Some grammar errors

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Overall:

With only four chapters out, Fated to be You is a quick but engaging read with a promising start. It features an interesting protagonist that's easy to sympathize with, and so far, Jolin's involvement in the narrative is mysterious yet intriguing. If you are looking for a story with a solid protagonist, then Fated to be You is for you!

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