The unloved heart of Rae Wilson

Chapter 54

Hi Rae. Hi Matt. You look stunning. Thanks. You're welcome. Matt I'm not mad or upset and I'm sorry if you wanted to avoid me and now we're talking. Rae stop. Okay. I'm not mad either and I still love you and I really wanna just kiss you but I can't and I've been craving your presence and being around you is driving me insane. Matt...it's over and we've established that but your urges are normal and I won't or can't blame you, I love you. Rae handed him the box of the ring. Goodbye Matt. Oh uhm bye Rae. Someone will love you better.

Ro hugged Rae. Matt was a great love but he was also loved an tremendous amount by you and he should feel incredibly lucky by that. Thank you Ro. Of course sissy. How are you? Is any of this too much??? Do you need more sessions with miss Claire? I'm just a little sad because everything is moving so fast and I can't process and I get rushes of memories that are about mom and it's hard to talk about. Why? No one wants to talk about their dead mom. Yeah. And no one wants to hear it about it either. Hey..if you didn't know I have a dead mom too, what was your mom like? Sissy we have the same mom. Shhh it's a thing. Okay okay. He chuckled. I just feel like I missed out on her being my mom...of course I had her when I was a baby but I don't remember that and then she got hurt and I had to stay in that room so I don't remember anything with her. I never thought about that, that's so horrible that you were robbed of unconditional love. I get it from you, Raul and Po. Yeah but everyone needs their mom. I'm just glad I met her and the not having enough time is okay I guess. Rae grabbed his face and looked at him. It's not fine..at all and I hate that...that was taken from you but her memory can live inside of you and I can show you whatever you want about her and tell you whatever, I know it's not the same but she's got you Ro I mean ever since you were born you were a miracle you were her miracle. Ro smiled. Thanks sissy.

Rae was propped up on the toilet puking violently. Raul slowly walked in her room. Everything okay sis? I heard the fight. I'm im ok-. She waved him off throwing up again. I'm gonna stay in here...just in case. Alright. Do you need anything? Um there's supplements for upset stomachs in the kitchen second counter and water please. I'm on it. Thank you. Ro sat on the edge of the bed peeking at Rae in the bathroom. Sissy? Yes. I hate throwing up. Me too Ro. Do you think you'll stop soon? I'm not sure but if you get disgusted or more annoyed just sleep with Po or in the living room, okay? But I wanna make sure you're okay. I am, I'm fine and Raul's got me. Well okay. You should sleep Ro and I'll make us breakfast in the morning I think I'll feel better by then. Alright sissy. Alright. I love you. I love you too. Ro ran in the bathroom and rubbed her back. Goodnight. Night. Ro walked out with his blanket and pillow. Night Raul. Night man. Raul handed Rae the supplement and water. Here you go sis. Thanks. Raul sat on the bathroom tub ledge and looked at her. Mom used to her sick like this whenever her and dad would fight. Wow that's horrible. Yeah and you know after dad almost killed her on ro's birthday she couldn't see out of her eye and that made her dizzy so she'd throw up really bad. Jesus that sounds like torture. It was for her but you and Matt aren't like her and Rodrigo. Hm. You're throwing up because of the crying and love you had for him. Mom..she has spite and awareness and it would either kill Rodrigo or her and it did...it got to her but Rae this isn't going to get to you and you'll realize that the pain is something that you've proven your way stronger than and Matt...he'll realize it too. I hope so. In two months when it's the wedding and you'll probably see him again, just get one talk out and breathe outside of the air that he does because when you do that then your heart or shoulders aren't as heavy or vulnerable around him. I can do that, I'll move on. Yes. Rae looked at Raul tiredly. Im sorry for the jokes. You're my sister it's okay. No it's not. Rae I'm telling you it's fine. Am I even a good sister? You're a great sister but things happen and it's hard for everyone, I'm not asking anything out of you except to live freely and move on. Im trying. Trying is good...first step.

Raul was asleep in the tub and it had been a few hours since Rae stopped throwing up. She was standing over him hitting him to get up so she could shower. Wha- what? Get up! Get out of the tub man, I need to shower. Raul sat up and rubbed his eyes. If I have to say it one more time. Okay okay. He said hopping out the shower and walking behind her. I'm glad you got some sleep. And I'll be glad that you've gotten a shower. Fuck you! She said hitting his chest and he flinched back and laughed. Night sis. It's 3. Am! Still dark outside so counts at night. He shrugged. Whatever, goodnight and thanks for staying with me. No problem..glad you feel better. Raul finally walked out as Rae started the shower. Rae thought about the first memory she remembered of her mom. "Hey Rae Rae" hi mama. She's so adorable ugh. It's only you and me mom, who are you talking to? Oh sorry forgot the boys were gone. Toddler Rae smiled. Hey mama? Yes baby?? What's my middle name. Catalina. Cat-uh-leen-nuh? Yes exactly. What's it mean? It means pure. What does pure mean mama? Something that is delicate and innocent...a baby is pure. A puppy is pure? Yes exactly. I like it mama. I love you. Grace said kissing Rae's head. I love you too.

Kid! KID! Po yelled turning off the shower water. You've been in here for almost an hour. I spaced out. Are you okay kid? Yes I was just thinking about my mom and forgot. Are you alright now? Do you need to sit down. Yeah I do. Okay let's do that. Po handed her her towel. Rae sat on the toilet and looked ahead. I've been throwing up since Matt left, Raul was here but fell asleep so I said it's okay so that I could shower but I miss her, I miss my mom and I can't live in a weirdo like this without her...the world was already fucked with her here but without her it's it's SO much darker. Rae started to cry. I wish you would've gotten to meet her..I think she sent you to us because she new you were our new hope. Po looked at Rae. You're amazing and it's fine to be upset and sad over this, none of you had enough time with her but you have all this unfair unlimited time with your dad, that that's fucked. Rae wiped her face. I hate this, I hate that she's not here. She's always there...just find her. Find.

Rae and Po were making breakfast as the boys were still asleep on the couch. Wait you told Cassie that her sister was hot??? Yes...yes I did. He said nodding. How did she stay with you?! It was a joke! That's not a joke. She's rolled in her grave by now. PA! Po snorted. Now THAT was a joke. Not funny. Well this crowd is dead. Rae tried not to laugh looking at amused Po. I've never had pancakes with blackberries. Yeah me neither, hopefully they like it. They better. Rae laughed as she flipped a pancake over. Rae. Yes? You guys won't forget or dishonor your mom's memory because you kids were her life and she managed to still appreciate you and want you guys there when she was dying because you were her hope. Thank you. I believe her and Cassie are with each other and laughing and I know that's weird to say. No I get it...that makes me very happy. You make me very happy, all of you kids do and I'm glad I'm blessed with that wether it was your mom or not...you're doing great Rae. Thank you Po. I love you kid. I love you too.

Rae and Po grabbed plates of food and sat on the couch in between both boys. GOOD MORNING! HUHHHH. What? What happened? There's pancakes. Rae said softly. You're my sleep paralysis demon Rae. Glad to be. She smiled. Sissy my ear dru-. Shhh just eat the pancake. She said shoving a pancake in his mouth. Mmmm. He said looking at her scaredy. Good job. So are we watching a movie? We never finished the war movie. Yes we did. Everyone said in sync. Okay okay. Po said in his defense. We could watch grey's anatomy. That's an insult to my character. How? I don't wanna see doctors having sex. I do! No you dont Rae eat your pancakes. Okay. He sighed. And nothing with Hawaiian shirts! Aw. Yeah I haven't forgotten. Po laughed.