If Only You Knew (Larry Stylinson)

My Heart is Broken..💔

Hey everyone.. 

I never ever ever thought I had to write this message.. yet here I am. 

Crazy enough though I haven't even been able to cry.. I cried a bit yesterday night (it was also a family members birthday yesterday..so we went to over to celebrate and I was driving when I found out..I was truly in shock.) I haven't been able to truly sob and cry like I know I need and want to. Funny enough it just seems surreal to me? like i'm waiting for the news and the media to say that's he's fine and it was all just a big misunderstanding? One direction for me like many of us was such a huge and important part of my childhood and adolescence.. especially with me while I was going through such a hard time. My teen years were filled with me feeling like the most insecure, undeserving, piece of shit and somehow one direction always pulled me through. One of the two main reasons why I never went ahead and did some of the things I really wanted to when I was suicidal was just even the thought and the holding on to hope of seeing them in concert again or even hoping for a reunion (as selfish as that sounds now). They were my first concert. My first real true memory of me being happy and loving the life I was living. All of my happy memories that I remember are all filled with them. I associate all their songs with some type of experience in my life. I dressed as Louis for the concert. Liam was my second favorite. The time that he was in the band and from what I was able to see as a teenage he was so sweet and so kind.. 

The best way I can explain this is I literally am still in complete shock and a part of me just kinda feels empty.. I feel like a part of me died. I know that sounds insane but that's genuinely how I feel. It all just feels so surreal and like such an out of body (in a negative way) feeling. If that makes sense? I just don't know how to process this. and I know it's such a parasocial relationship i'm fully aware but.. I truly just feel like I lost someone so monumental and important in my life. Truly a part of me just died.. I feel like I just instantly fell back into the depressive mindset I used to be. I don't know how to process this and I truly don't know where to go from here. 

I had to come into work today because life still goes on.. and I'm in an environment where my staff is older than I am so no one has a clue of just how much i'm struggling and the impact that this has on me. And then I always am surrounded by kids and I have to be lively and be there for them when all I want is to sit in a corner and cry. I've been thinking about deleting this story because I mad this when I was 13.. at the deepest and lowest point in my life and again.. one direction was always there for me. I've been wanting to delete it because it's so cringy.. and I cant believe I wrote something like this at the time but now it's just.. now its literally a found memory and even though this story isnt about Liam of course its incorporated and he was a part of the band and a part of me truly and my childhood. 

I also am fully aware of the things that came to light about him and what was going on but one thing doesn't have to do with the other.  This is the little girl, the angsty teen, thats grieving the loss of someone so important to them in their time. I truly would not be here if it wasn't for them. This is truly me grieving my childhood but importantly grieving someone who made my life worth is and made me see the light at the end of the tunnel. How crazy that someone was able to do that for me but he felt as though there was no one there for him..  I just know that this is going to hit me hard.. so insanely hard whenever I process it and register it... and when the boys (if they do bc they owe us nothing) post I just know that's that's going to be when it will all hit me like a truck. (* Louis just posted (*25 minutes ago for me*)and I am.. devastated. Louis is the one I was thinking about the most (all the boys ofc) but Louis has been through so many losses and omg his post.. him calling him Payno :( and him speaking about bear I just.. my heart is broken more than broken its literally shattered. Him saying that Liam was the vital part of the the band is so validating and so important because Liam did feel like that for me. (*omfg Zayn just posted.. and this is where the tears came out. Zayn was my favorite member and even though people spoke about his and Liam's estranged relationship.. his post just ruined me. I am unwell guys. Now it's when it's hit me. Oh the boys.. I can't handle this.  (Also this is how you know I've been writing this and haven't been able to get through it because I've been up since 6 am and just posting this now.) 

To my fellow directioners.. I am here for you. I feel alone and I feel as if I have no one to speak to about this even though people who I haven't spoken to since high school have been reaching out but it doesn't feel the same. No one besides my fellow "fangirls" and directioners understand the trauma and the hurt we're going through. Just know that I am here for you guys through anything. Through any struggle personally, emotional, mentally, and more important through this awful news we're going through. This is the time were we all need to stick together and remember Liam for who he was and the impact he had on our lives. 

The words I've dreaded to type/say.. 

Rest in Peace Liam ❤️‍🩹  I loved you, I love you, and I will always love you. Thank you for saving my life along with the rest of the boys and I hope you're resting now and your mind is at ease. I pray that wherever you are you're truly happy like you deserved to be and you feel all this love and grief thats for you. You risked your happiness and mental health for us and look at where that got you.. I adore you with everything in me and all I can hope and pray for is that wherever you are you're making all the music you wished to make, you're the happiest you've ever been, and you're in a much better place now that you were in here. I love you and thank you for everything.