When it gets complicated

White flag (XiuChen)

~Minseok~

"Good morning." Tao sings as another customer sets off the twinkling above the door. It was Chanyeol's idea, since he often got lost in tasks and customers would repeatedly scare the life out of him when they came up to the counter without a warning. Honestly for me it was amusing, but i could tell it was taking a couple of years off the kid. I placed them there years ago and somehow have just become a part of the cafe itself.

"Good morning, Tao." A familiar voice responds behind me. My world stills. "I just wanted to pick up a coffee before class."

Tao nods and turns to me with a secretive smirk on his lips. I swear i will beat him for it later. I might just throw him into the kitchen with Kyungsoo and let the gods decide his punishment.

"Good morning, Minseok." Jongdae greets, and my heart slams into my chest as i begin making his drink. Where is Chanyeol when i need him? Oh, right, he's in Jongdae's morning class.

It's not that i'm avoiding Jongdae. Actually the opposite. I go out of my way to be accommodating and nice to him. After he told me the truth about his drinking problem and the things he went through after graduation, it put some things in perspective. It's like the realization of what kind of place Jongdae was in made me sit back and think. Most of the anger drained out of me. The hurt is still there, but mainly i'm just confused. I'm lost in my thoughts and i don't really know what to do anymore.

Forgiving Jongdae and moving past it sounds nice, but it's also scary to trust someone who knowingly did such a thing. I know he wasn't in a good place, but he still did what he did and how do i just move past that? I don't know where i stand anymore, and Jongdae being around makes everything that much more disorienting. It's like i have all of these feelings and thoughts but at the same time, the second i see him everything becomes fuzzy and i can't remember why i'm upset or distant. I wish we could sit down and talk it out, but i feel like i need more time, more space to sort myself out. It doesn't mean it's easy to stay away, though.

Jongdae and i haven't really talked to one another all week, but we've kept it civil. Small smiles and greetings exchanged at the house and here at the shop. We're almost like acquaintances rather than friends, or ex lovers as we could be considered. I kind of hate the distant familiarity, but i can't really complain because, well, i asked for it. It's almost as if things have returned to normal. Like it was before Jongdae crash landed back into my life, except Jongdae's still here and that's so much worse.

I don't particularly care for it. It's familiar and simple, but i somehow find myself craving the sound of loud, borderline obnoxious laughter throughout  my day. I ache for the feeling of being teased and challenged during a conversation. I need the wonderful sensation of my heart fluttering in my chest when an easy smile or soft, knowing eyes are sent my way. I might just miss Jongdae a little bit.

I turn to Jongdae with his drink in my hand and a thousand words bubble up in my throat. A million things i want to tell him, explain to him, ask him. I want to say so much and forgive so much, but all that comes out is... "Good morning, Chen."

The name even makes me wince and i don't for a second miss the way his eyes crinkle in distaste. But in Jongdae's normal fashion, he says nothing.

Jongdae makes his leave, sending me a soft, yet hesitant smile. I hate myself a bit for it. Jongdae feels unsure around me. I guess i have the power to pull the rug out from under him any moment. I have the power to hurt him this time, and i kind of understand where Jongdae was at back then. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Jongdae was just a kid back then, he was just starting to navigate the world. I probably would have made the same call if I was in his shoes. Jongdae thought he was toxic and therefor made a decision to protect me. Yeah, it broke my heart that he denied me, but what would have happened if he didn't? What life would we have lived if he had stayed by my side? Would i have the coffee shop? Would i be coaching an amazing soccer team? Would i have these amazing boys in my life that i consider family? Would Jongdae even be who he is now, or would he still be like he was back then?