"Read all you want" [Frerard]

20: When you drag yourself down...

(Sorry it took so long for me to update this, I needed time because I didn't know what I should write haha, but now it's a long ass chapter ;) Enjoy it! X)

Frank

I bite my lips harshly as I look at myself in the mirror. I'm slightly trembling, and I know I should call Gerard, but I can't. I don't even know where my phone is, and I doubt I'd be able to find it now. I stare at the collar around my throat and swallow. I don't know why I'm freaking out. Gerard left about half an hour ago to bring Bandit back to Lyn-Z. The little girl stayed with us for a few days, and it had been amazing. Bandit is such a sweet girl. She's always happy and always wants to play. It was tiring, but I liked having her around. But because of Bandit staying here, Gerard and I neglected our D/s dynamics a little, and that brought me think about it. And now, while Gerard is gone, the thoughts are taking over.

I am such a freak. I really am. And I haven't even told Gerard half of it. He knows I'm quite the submissive guy, but I haven't told him how badly I need it. And that it freaks me out. The past few days were awesome, but I missed it. I missed being a submissive. Of course, Gerard would sometimes give me an order, and I happily did whatever he asked me to do, but it was different. And I hate how much I hate it. I haven't told Gerard how bad it made me feel to act like a normal person. I'm not a normal person. I'm weird. I'm a freak.

I take a deep breath and sit down on the cold floor. I'm so submissive. I don't even know if I want to be like this or not. I want to. I need to. But I hate it. Why does it always have to be me? Why do I always need to be the weird one? I've never fit in. But now? It's even worse. I whimper softly and close my eyes. 

It's been a while since I had these moments where I would just drag myself down. Where I would hate every single part of myself. I used to have that almost every day when I was younger, but the past few years, I only suffered from those moments a few times. But now... I'm there again. Dragging myself down. I groan. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate how I can never just like something normal. I hate how I always have to be different.

"Frank? I'm home!"

I tense. Fuck. I quickly stand up and try to put a smile on my face. Be normal. "Hi Gee!" I shout back downstairs, and mentally curse at myself. No need to ruin Gerard's day by being a whiny bitch. I take a deep breath and walk downstairs. Gerard smiles as he sees me. "Hey there, beautiful." he whispers and pulls me into a hug. I hug him back. Have some composure. "Hey Gee. How did it go?"

"Oh it was fine. Bandit was happy to see her mother again. Lyn-Z was happy to see we took such good care of her. Especially when Bandit started to talk about how we took her to the zoo." Gerard says with a smile. I force myself to smile back, and then I turn around. "I was just about to shower, so..." I say. Gerard chuckles. "Then go shower baby. Can I join you?"

Yes, yes, yes!

"No."

"Frank, is everything alright?" he says then worriedly. I shrug. "Yeah, just need some alone time, I guess." I whisper. Gerard takes my wrists and turns me around again. I look down. I can't look into his eyes right now. I'd cry. "Did something happen?"

I shake my head. "N-no... I just..." I stutter. Goddammit. Can't even pretend to be okay. You're such a loser... Gerard sighs and pulls me in for another hug. "Sweetheart... What's going on in that head of yours?" I shrug, not able to say anything. If I open my mouth now, I'll start to cry. Gerard rubs my back soothingly and then he leads me to the couch and pulls me onto his lap. I bury my face against his chest, and Gerard strokes my hair.

"Did I do something wrong?" he whispers quietly. I quickly shake my head. No. Gerard is not to blame for any of this. "Can you tell me?" he whispers then. I shrug and start trembling again. "You're having one of these moments, aren't you?"

Gerard witnessed a lot of my bad moments. He was always the one to pull me out of it again. Especially during Revenge, it was real bad. I nod to him. "Y-yeah..." I choke out. Gerard makes a soft, painful noise, and I feel even worse for making him so worried about me.

"Talk to me."

I tense. How can I tell him that I'm scared? Scared of what I feel? That I hate myself for it? How can I tell him... That I hate being normal? That I need to submit? But I know I'll have to. And even if I'd keep my mouth shut, he'd find out. Gerard always seems to know what's wrong.

"I... I loved having Bandit around, but... I... I felt neglected..." I whisper quietly. "I felt like I had to pretend to be normal, and all I wanted was you to order me around. I wanted you to be in control, but you weren't, and that made me feel so bad and it scares me how much I need this..." I tell him. Gerard is quiet for a moment. See... He thinks you're a freak. Stupid boy. You shouldn't have told him.

"Frankie..." Gerard whispers then and places a soft kiss on my forehead. "Why didn't you say so?" I shrug and bite my lips harshly. "I thought... I mean. Bandit was around..." I whisper. Gerard sighs again and lifts my chin to make me look at him.

"I'm glad that you told me now. And I'm so sorry I neglected you like that and-"

"N-No Gee, it's not your fault... You couldn't have known... I mean, I'm just weird..." I whisper. Gerard frowns at me. "Frank, stop it. None of this is weird, you just don't know that... Hey, sweetheart... Do you really think that what you feel is weird?" he asks me then, carefully. A tear rolls down my cheek and I nod. "Oh baby... What you feel is not strange. It might seem strange to people who've never heard of it but... I think you're more than just a submissive."

"W-what do you mean?"

"Well, we already figured out that you like to be mine, and that you like it when I'm not only your Dominant when we're having sex, right?" I nod to that. "I thought you only liked it just a little bit, but now I see that I was wrong. It felt wrong, without control, didn't it?"

"It did..."

"I think you might be a slave... That might sound strange, especially when you've never heard of it within the BDSM community. But it basically means that you give up control to me, more than a submissive would. I would be your owner, instead of your Dom. The difference might be a little vague, but it really is different..." he explains to me. I frown at him. Slave? Owner?

"I... I don't..." I whisper. Gerard smiles at me. "Don't think about this too much right now, okay? We'll figure this all out. But first I'm going to take care of you. Want to shower together?"

I nod hesitantly. "Yes, please..."