Lights (2013)

17

"Blair," Harry says gently, almost pleadingly. His fingers wrap around my wrist, his touch sending sparks through my skin.

I turn to look at my father. "You know, you were never my dad. You may be the person that fathered me, but you were never my dad," I say. I remove my arm from Harry's grasp, turning and exiting the kitchen. I wipe tears from my face, walking upstairs into my room. I slam the door shut as more tears begin to fall. Lottie looks up from her phone.

I ignore her as I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. The door opens and clicks shut. "Hi, Lottie," Harry says quietly.

"I'll go," Lottie says.

"You don't have--"

"No...it's fine."

I feel my bed dip as Harry climbs onto it next to me, scooping me into his arms. I bury my face in his chest and cry until I have no tears left. He runs his hands through my long hair, comforting me.

Someone knocks at the door. I slide away from Harry, allowing him to get up as my father opens the door. I stand too, putting my defenses up. My eyes turn cold and I cross my arms over my chest.

"Hi, Harry," he says.

"Hello," Harry says. He's guarded, too.

"May I speak to Blair privately?" My father asks. I shoot a look at Harry telling him not to leave me with my father. Harry ignores me, nodding.

"I'm right outside," he whispers to me. I bite my lip before nodding. I sit on my bed and watch as Harry walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him. I stare at the door long after it has shut, before my father breaks the silence.

"Blair--"

"No. I'm not talking to--"

"Blair, it's your turn to listen," he tells me. I sigh, waiting for him to continue. He takes a deep breath before speaking again. "I want to tell you the truth about things. That's what your mother would want."


Flashback - Connor's POV


I'm pissed, I'm not going to lie. Who the hell does she think she is calling at three in the morning? I guess I was awake anyway, out at a pub with some friends, but I don't need Madeleine to fucking check up on me at three am.

By the time I get to her house, I'm ready to give her a piece of my mind. She is such a nuisance sometimes, but she thinks that going to a party one time makes her cool. I love her, don't get me wrong, but she doesn't need to be in my business every second of the day. I use my spare key to get into her house, slamming the front door behind me.

When I get to her bedroom, I throw open the door. I storm into the room to see Maddie pacing back and forth. I groan. this is probably another anxiety attack. She gets those a lot, always has since we were little. She's on medication for it, but some times the pills just aren't enough.

"Madeleine! What the hell did you call me at three in the morning for?" I snap. Her dark hair is pulled back, but strands fall in her face. She looks sick. He face is pale, and her hands are shaking. Worry shoots through me. She sits down at the head of her bed, leaning against the backboard.

"I--uh--missed you?" She whispers nervously, hugging a pillow tightly. Great, now she's feeding me shit lies. Does she think I'm stupid?

"That's a load, both of us know there was another reason for this shit," I say, sitting next to her. I look at her, but she doesn't make eye contact. She just stares straight ahead, white knuckling the pillow.

"Connor--" She begins but she starts to sob into her pillow. I pull her into a hug, leaving her crying into my shirt. She crawls into my lap hugging me tightly. "You love me, right Connor?" She asks suddenly.

"Madeleine...I love you so much, you're like the sister I've never had," I say into her hair. She shoots up, narrowing her eyes before pushing me away. She jumps off the bed, raking her fingers vigorously through her hair.

"Fuck!" She yells, beginning to pace again. "That's exactly what I wanted to fucking hear right now!"

"Well what am I suppose to say, Madeleine? That I'm in love with you when I'm not? Jesus Madeleine, just because we slept together once doesn't mean I'm going to fucking love you the rest of my life!" I yell at her. I know it's harsh, but she needs to hear it.

"Shit," she mumbles, eyes cast downward. "You are such a fucking idiot, Connor!" She starts crying again. She knocks the bedside lamp off the dresser, barely missing me as it shatters on the floor next to me.

"Madeleine!" I yell, grabbing her wrists before she can throw anything else.

"Go to hell, Connor!" She screams, trying to twist out of my arms. She suddenly goes limp in my arms, pulling us both on to the floor.

"Will you just tell me what the fuck this is about, Madeleine?" I growl.

"I'm pregnant, Connor," she whispers. It all makes sense now. That poor guy who has to deal with a pregnant nineteen year old. She cries again, and I can't help but glance as her stomach. There's something growing in there, and it kind of freaks me out.

"I'll drive you, then," I state simply. It's still early in the pregnancy, there is still something we can do about this.

"Drive me where?" She sniffles.

"To get the abortion, that's why you called me isn't it? You got yourself into trouble and you need help to get out," I say. A horrified expression spreads across her face.

"That's not why I called, Connor, that's not the reason at all," she says, shaking her head.

"Madeleine, come on. I'll drive you. You can tell me all about this poor father on the way there."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" She asks venomously.

"What are you talking about? I'm trying to be a good fri--" I begin but she cuts me off.

"It's yours, Connor!" She screams.

It's like I don't hear her at first. I keep staring at her waiting for her to say something, to tell me this is a joke.

Then it hits me. I'm going to be a father, I'll have a kid. I instantly feel sick.

"Madeleine, you can still get an abortion, let's go. Then it's neither of our problems," I say urgently. I can't have a child, I'm nowhere near ready to be a father of all things.

"No!" Madeleine shouts. She takes a dangerous step toward me, her eyes blazing. "You have two choices in this situation, Connor. You forget that I exist and I raise this kid on my own, or you can be a fucking amazing father to this child. Those are your choices. Choose wisely."

I stare at her in shock. She's my best friend. I can't imagine life with out her. How could this have happened to us?

"I can't just walk away from this, Madeleine," I say quietly.
"Yes, you can! I can't! But you can!" She says hysterically, pushing me towards the door.

"I can't just walk away from you," I whisper.

"I bet you could if you really wanted to," she says bitterly, staring at the floor. She's giving me a way out, like always. I always have a way out. But maybe it's time I face my consequences.

"But I don't want to," I say.

Madeleine gives me a look I can't quite decipher. It's sadness mixed with relief. She moves her gaze to the floor.

I run my fingers through my hair. "Shit...should we get married?"

"Gee...when you put it that way." She rolls her eyes.

"I'm sorry, okay!" I snap. I glance at my watch. I need a drink. "I have to go, I'll pick you up tomorrow and we can go to the clinic."

"I'm not getting a fucking abortion, Connor!"

"Not to get an abortion. To get an ultrasound. Bye, Madeleine," I say with a sad smile, kissing her forehead.

She stares after me as I go, her blue eyes shining like the ocean.


Blair's POV


"She was four months pregnant with you when we got married." My father hands me their wedding picture. The wedding was in my grandparents' backyard. A small bump is visible under my mother's white dress. "When she died, I went numb. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, Blair. When I look at you, all I see is her. God, you're so much like her and it scares me." He shakes his head. "When I see you with Harry...I see how young and promising you are. I just don't want the same thing that happened with me and your mum to happen with you and Harry."

I bury my face in my hands, absorbing my father's words. "Blair, I know it's going to take us awhile...but I want to be a better father for you. I know it seems like I'm trying to forget your mother, but I think about her every single day. I promise you, I will never, ever, ever forget her." He looks away, wiping his eyes. "I know you won't forgive me easily, and I'm alright with that. I just want you to know that I love you no matter what and I'm always here for you if you need me."

He stands to leave. "You're old enough for this," he says, pressing something into my palm. I watch him exit my room, shutting the door softly behind him. I open my hand to find a small, white folded piece of paper. I carefully unfold it and gasp.

My mother's handwriting.

This is her suicide note.




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