Lights (2013)

30

Blair's POV


"Blair! Dinner!"

I follow my dad's voice to the kitchen where he stands, stirring tomato sauce in a pot. He smiles at me when I walk in. I eye the spaghetti noodles.

"I thought it would only be right," he says. "To make her favorite."

I nod. I sit at the kitchen counter as he chops more tomatoes. I watch the blade of the knife move up and down rhythmically. I suddenly imagine the knife digging into my flesh until blood flows freely, draining me of life. I shake my head in horror. What's wrong with me?

"Are you alright, Blair?" My father asks.

"Yeah...I'm just...feeling a little sick," I say.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," he says. He pours pasta onto two plates, sliding one to me. He sits across from me at the counter, twisting his fork in the pasta.

I stare at my plate, my appetite diminishing rapidly. My father stops chewing, staring at me. I stare at my plate, my stomach becoming queasy.

"Why aren't you eating, Blair?"

"I'm not hungry," I whisper, staring down at the way the noodles weave into the sauce.

"Why not?"

I shrug.

"Blair, is this about where we are, because we can go home," he says quietly.

"No, I love this place," I reply. "You know I love this place." My stomach flips and I feel bile rising in my throat. "Excuse me," I say, briskly walking to the bathroom. I lean over the toilet and let the contents of my stomach out, coughing and sputtering. What is wrong with me?

"Blair? Blair!" My father pounds on the door. "What's going on?"

I open the door, tying my hair into a ponytail. "I--I don't feel good," I say.

"Are you...you know, pregnant?"

My jaw drops. "Of course not! I'm not dating anyone!"

Worry is etched into every angle of my father's face. "Blair, are you taking...the pills?"

My heart stops. "Oh, my God," I say. "The pills...I left them at Harry's." Tears well in my eyes as I recall the dark days before the antidepressants, when all I wanted was death.

"Blair, come on," my father says. "Get your things. We need to go home."

"Dad--"

"Blair, this is a health matter. We need to go--"

"No, Dad, please. I'll feel better in the morning, we can leave then. I just need some rest."

My father looks at me warily before nodding. "If you feel bad, though--"

"I know, I know. I just need to get some sleep." I force a smile. He nods slowly, unsure if he should trust me. I sigh after he leaves me alone in the bathroom. I stand up, my knees shaking under my weight. I wet a washcloth and run it across my cheeks. I dig into my bad of toiletries, grabbing my toothbrush and toothpaste. Throwing up has left a sour taste in my mouth.

After rinsing my mouth out, I walk to my room. I dig through my bag, pulling out a pair of sweats. I slip into my pajamas and crawl into bed. I shut my eyes and fall asleep almost instantly.


My toes dig into the rubble on the edge of the cliff. I sigh, longing to be free. I can't help but wonder if I was a bird in a past life. I feel as though if I jumped, I'd be able to fly away. I stretch out my arms as far as they can go, observing the span of my arms. I can almost envision the white feathers sprouting from my fingers. The wind brushes against me, tossing me with it's current. I move my bare foot slowly over the edge, the wind cradling me. I take a deep breath, preparing to spread my wings and jump.

"Blair." I hear his voice and it stops me. I turn to see his brown curls blowing in the wind. I place my foot back onto the ground. He reaches for my hand, pulling away from the edge. He pulls me close as I breathe in his scent. I didn't realize it before, but my face is wet with tears. "Blair," he sighs into my hair.

"I need to go," I hear myself tell him. Go where? Why do I have to leave him?

"No you don't, you can stay with me, Blair," he says urgently, his eyes searching mine. I fight myself as I look away. "Blair, please stay with me. I can protect you." I shake my head looking out at the ocean. As if in a trance I walk towards the edge again.
"I love you, Harry," I whisper into the breeze.

"Please, Blair," he begs. "I promised Madeleine that I would keep you safe. Please, I love you!" He cries, reaching for me.

"Darling, listen to him." I turn to see my mother hovering over the ocean like an angel.

"Mum," I cry, longing to have her hold me. She only shakes her head.

"You can't be with me yet, baby girl. You were meant to stay here," she says, her voice ringing around me with the soft whisper of the wind. "You are strong enough to be without me."

"Blair, please stay with me," Harry begs again from behind me. I look back over the ocean to see that my mum has disappeared. I look at Harry again, reaching out to him. His fingers barely touch mine when I fall, tumbling towards the water. I scream for Harry as I fall, watching his strong figure shrink, his silhouette black against the light. When I hit the surface of the water, everything is engulfed in darkness. My lights are gone.


"Blair! Blair!" My father shakes me back to reality, his eyes worried.

I jerk up in bed, my hair damp with sweat and my face covered in the salt of my tears. Morning light streaks through the blinds in my room.

"You were screaming in your sleep," my father says. "For Harry and for...for mum."

I put my head in my hands. "I need my pills," I say hoarsely.

He nods quickly. "Get dressed and we'll be on our way."